May 22, 2011: Christian, Ana and the Bathtub of Raging Yeast Infections

Christian wakes up at 3 am feeling like he’s “committed a terrible sin.” Yes. The sin of having consensual sex with an adult woman. Nice attitude. Christian is surprised that having instant access to a sleeping woman is actually pleasant. But the ‘yer a sinner’ part of his mind pipes up and he has a weird Gollum-from-LotR conversation with himself. Eventually his cock casts the tie-breaking vote, by telling him that, yes, this is a good thing.

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Christian climbs out of bed and collects all the gross used condoms that he dropped unceremoniously on the floor when they had sex. For a rich guy, he sure is a gross pig. I mean, it’s good that he picked them up eventually but Gawd was it so hard to chuck them in the trash. It’s right there!

Since he’s too horny to sleep, he goes to check his work email, and then to play piano. It wakes up Ana and Christian puts her back to bed, but not before having a flashback to Leila (the sub who later tries to shoot Ana) telling him that he seems ‘melancholy.’

Ana tries to talk to him about his piano playing but he shuts her down by acting like an asshole about it. He snaps at her twice in a row, the second time because she isn’t lying down in bed the way he ordered her to. When Ana looks upset and hurt, he is taken aback. Maybe being a total asshat *isn’t* such a great idea.

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He offers to lay back down with Ana as long as she doesn’t touch him. It still causes him to flash back to his mother. He remembers her making waffles and bacon. Okay, his mom was a crack whore…do crack whores cook? Are they known for their fine cooking? I’m skeptical, that’s all I’m saying.

Then suddenly its 9 am, which Christian calls ‘late.’ Dude, 9 am is early. Ana is awake and cooking breakfast in the kitchen. Christian goes to the kitchen and muses that Ana is the most uncoordinated person he’s ever seen, but that somehow that is super hawt. It’s funny, she is so uncoordinated, but she fucks like a greased ballerina. Nice character consistency is all I’m saying. They never have a slip up, or a weird sound, and nobody gets poked in the eye with anything. It would go so far toward establishing, and humanising Ana as a character if they did.

Ana has her hair in two little braids, and Christian remarks that the braids aren’t going to protect her. What. The. Hell. Does other people’s hair have defensive qualities? Because mine sure doesn’t. Or does it?

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So…breakfast. Christian gets out orange juice, and coffee, and Twinnings Brand Tea Bags ™ while Ana continues to whisk eggs. She makes a beautiful and delicious breakfast, even though all she does is whisk eggs. She never cooks them, and she doesn’t make anything to go with them. Just whisk and eat. Mmmmmm….Christian is as floored by her prowess in the kitchen as he is with her prowess in bed.

They make awkward small talk about sex, and the contract. Christian mentions ‘oral’ and this is enough to make Ana do a spit take. Tea everywhere. Lord, she’s got some delicate sensibilities. He doesn’t even use the word sex.

Ana asks permission to blab to Kate about the sex, even though she just signed the NDA yesterday. Now that she’s had sex, she wants to talk about it. Christian doesn’t give an outright now, but he reminds us that Kate is screwing Elliot, and for the love of God Elliot must NEVER KNOW that Christian is, you know, doing it.

In fact, none of his family can know that he is…you know

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And on that pathological note, Christian leads Ana off to have a bath. A sexy bath…

Now I want to reiterate that the bath is full. The bath is full. Fully full. This is important later.

In one paragraph, Christian tells us how impressed he is that Ana is so brazen and unafraid standing naked in his bathroom. On the very next page he tells Ana to hold her head high because she ‘has nothing to be ashamed of.” Holy mind games Batman!

Sexy-time-bath goes on for a long time. Christian gets a cloth and lathers it with a ton of soap and then really goes to town on Ana’s vagina with nary a thought to the raging yeast infection she is about to have. I mean, he really gets in there and scrubs the fuck outta that thing. He senses that Ana is nearing orgasm and so, natch, he stops scrubbing.

It’s time for that oral that they talked about earlier! Christian grabs his cock and Ana gobbles it up. Now keep in mind he is still laying in a full tub. He’s not kneeling, he’s not standing. Unless he’s doing some kind of crazy yoga pose, his cock in under the water.

And yet, unfortunately, Ana doesn’t drown. In fact, she gives the best blowjob ever. EVAR!1 With no experience. She’s magic! Maybe her braids give her skills upgrades and not just defensive powers?

They head back to the bedroom for round 2. This is the scene where they whip out THE TIE. The sexy tie. Ana, in her book, lovingly describes it. Christian just ties her up with it.

All through the sex, Christian nags Ana to keep still, because moving around is way gross. Only weirdoes move around. Yuck. He also tells Ana that he doesn’t usually reciprocate oral, but he’s making an exception since she’s been so good. Sweet. Sounds like a winning relationship.

Winner

They finish just in time for Christian’s mom to show up. She is embarrassed but super happy to see Christian with a woman because it means he isn’t gay. And being gay is the worst possible thing for a man to be in 50Shadesland.

Think about that for a minute.

With the mood officially ruined by mom, Christian decides to take Ana out for lunch and then home. Christian gives Ana the contract to look over, and tells her to google everything and not ask Kate for God’s sake. Ana whines and bugs until he changes his mind.

Fine. She can tell Kate.

There’s an awkward moment where Ana blurts out that she can’t google sweet fuck all because she doesn’t have a computer. After briefly wondering what century she warped in from, Christian makes some calls and has one sent to her house.

They go to a fancy restaurant where you have to eat whatever they serve you. Hope you aren’t allergic Ana! Over lunch they make even more awkward small talk until I want to stab my eyes out. They rehash the ‘gay issue’ and honestly, I wish they’d fucking drop it. They make a huge scandalous deal out of it. Just stop. Fucking Just Stop.

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Eventually Christian drops Ana off at home. As soon as she gets out of the car she drops her drawers and shows him that she stole his underwear. You found a keeper Christian. So yeah.

Back at home, Christian does some busywork and then sends Ana an email. The emailnado starts now. Be prepared.

Emails are coming.

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May 21, 2011 Part 2 – The Sexiest Spelling Bee

Jesus fucking Christ. I lost my original post on this chapter. Gone into the ether…

Goddammit

And motherfuck does this chapter go on and on…arghghghellkgkldfjldsl!

Ana is at work now, and Christian is waiting for the fateful MEETING wherein he will reveal his mysterious alternative lifestyle and then discuss the terms of the contract, if indeed she is still willing. Christian passes the time by reading Jose’s background check. He’s relieved to find that Jose isn’t a sex offender who stalks women he barely knows, traces their cell phones, and does background checks on them and all their friends.

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Phew!

Jose does smoke the odd bit of weed, and Christian is scandalised! Only filthy hippies smoke marijuana. He hopes that sweet perfect angel Ana hasn’t been tainted by Jose and his filthy habits. But no, he metaphorically bites his knuckles in anguish, she is perfect. PERFECT! Gawd. It’s as if he were a character written by a middle aged woman.

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Christian is so overcome he needs to burn off some energy by communing with nature. He goes for a hike but he spends the entire time thinking about Ana and all the ways that they will screw. He’s a classy dude.

Finally its date night. Christian is impatient. He’s lurking outside Ana’s workplace, Clayton’s, acting like a creepy creeper. And he’s mad because the last customer left FIVE MINUTES AGO and Ana has still not come out. Because when the last customer leaves, every employee just drops what they are doing and walks out the door. That’s how it works. It’s basic capitalism people!

They head off to a nearby building and get in the elevator to the top where Christian’s helicopter of love awaits. They waggle their eyebrows suggestively at each other, because we all know what happens when these two get in an elevator. Amirite?! Huh, huh?

Well, they manage to keep it together until they get to the roof.

Ana looks at the helicopter, asks if Christian knows how to fly this thing and is in wonderment when Christian says yes. It really doesn’t take much. Christian buckles her in because apparently it’s super confusing, and he wants an excuse to make bondage jokes.

They fly from Portland to Seattle. It’s fucking magical. Trust me.

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It’s also a fucking miracle that they don’t crash because Christian is pretty clearly not paying any attention to flying. He’s busy ogling Ana and daydreaming about the weird and wonderful positions they’ll use during THE SEX.

They arrive at the top of Christian’s building and Christian once again makes clear just how much he wants Ana to understand and consent to his mysterious lifestyle. So as soon as they get inside he breaks out the booze because nothing says informed and enthusiastic consent like drunkenness!

They make awkward small talk about Christian’s apartment and belongings (its sooo big!). Ana asks him why he sent her the book. Remember the book? Christian fumbles for an excuse – he doesn’t want to admit he just had it lying around. He says his, “answer is truthful enough.”

Whatevs dood.

Christian stops to tell us just how purdy Ana is. In case was had forgotten.

“My cock concurs.”

It does, does it? Is it all, “Indeed Captain, Anastasia is a lovely specimen of species hyoomahn.” It’s like Spock. Spock cock.

From now on, every time the word cock gets used, I am mentally substituting it with Spock.

Like this:

The sweet appreciative noise echoes through me – to the end of my Spock.

It’s such an extraordinary, exquisite feeling: her body cradling my Spock.

My Spock stirs with approval.

Hee hee hee. That is all.

WinSpock

They finally get to looking at the contracts. Christian tries to hand her the NDA, saying that if they are to have any more interactions she must sign and be legally bound to never speak a word to anyone. Ana agrees to sign without even looking at it. Christian is aghast. Is she stupid?!

She is.

The very next exchange pretty much removes any doubt. Christian takes her to see his playroom.

“You want to play on your Xbox?”

She says that. For real. I guess he was a little too mysterious about his alternate lifestyle, since Ana thinks it involves him being some kind of high rent neckbeard. Oh sweet special Ana.

They open the playroom in the big reveal, and Ana is still confused, but interested at least. She asks Christian just what she is going to get out of this relationship. Christian answers with a shrug. He doesn’t know. She doesn’t know.

They head back downstairs, and Ana indicates that she may not be all that interested in what Christian has to offer. He plies her with more wine. They discuss the agreement. Instead of reading the fucking thing, Ana interrogates him on what items might be in such an agreement.

Ana’s a bit put off by the idea, and asks if it is easy to find women who will agree to being flogged or bound or whatnot. Christian replies that it sure is. Super easy. Like you wouldn’t believe how easy. Ana then asks, why her in particular?

Oh why indeed. Christian leaves no cliché un-clichéd in his answer:

“There’s something about you. I just can’t leave you alone. I’m like a moth to a flame.”

The convo goes on and on like this, getting nowhere. They finally turn to the subject of hard limits.

Ana doesn’t know her limits because…

…she’s never had sex before.

Christian is furious! He takes Ana’s virginity as some kind of personal insult, and resolves to rectify the ‘situation.’ Now that Ana is full of wine, he takes her up to his playroom and makes sweet sweet love to her. The very thing he JUST SAID he didn’t do.

Ana agrees, because she’s drunk and dumb and horny. Christian keeps asking her, Do you have any idea how much I want you? Do you have any idea what I’m going to do to you? Dude! We’ve established that Ana doesn’t know anything about anything. Just fucking lay off, OK?

They have sex, for like ten damn pages. Of course, we’re told that everyone had a good time, but it’s…just weird. Ana has two (count ’em, two) orgasms just from Christian ordering her to do so. You know, with his magic sparkling vampire billionaire powers.

Then for some reason it turns into the world’s sexiest spelling bee.

F. U. C. K.

He thinks each individual letter. I’m not kidding. Then Christian gives the order, and they both orgasm again, and roll over and fall asleep. And thank fucking God. It’s over.

A Chapter Too Long: Saturday, May 21, 2011 Part 1

I mentioned before, the thing about dividing your story by date is that some days not much happens. That gave us our six page chapter. But other days every-fucking-thing in the world happens and you end up with a 52 page chapter. Like this one.

So I am splitting the chapter up into two parts, because the length has been daunting me, taunting me. Laughing in my face even. I just can’t read that much Grey at once. There’s a natural divide in the text – it goes morning, break while Ana works, evening – so I’m going to divide it that way.

“Morning” isn’t super eventful, but it makes up for that by being super long and super creepy. It’s 1:45 am (technically the next day) and Ana is passed out in Christian’s bed. Christian strips off and gets into bed with Ana.

Just for sleeping you dirty perverts!

I’m not sure what kind of book you think this is, but well, it isn’t. I mean, obviously he has no choice. Where else is he going to sleep? You think this is some kind of luxury hotel with sofas right in the suites? Or that he’s some kind of ultra-rich billionaire who can just afford an extra room? Or that he could just sleep in his brother’s room because his brother went home with Kate?

None of those things are options. Obviously. So he makes the best of it by getting into bed with Ana and then starting at her like some kind of bug eyed creeper until he falls asleep.

 

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Christian wakes at quarter to eight the next day, suuuuper late for a busy billionaire. He takes a moment to marvel at Ana as he has never allowed a woman in his bed after sex. I guess he just dumps them off some random place, clothes in hand, bang boat style. Christian consults his cock as to whether this is a good thing: Sir Cockington the Third, Esquire assures him that it is, indeed, a good thing.

Christian finds Ana some Advil brand pain reliever ™ and orange juice, leaves it on the night stand, then heads out for a run.

On his return, Christian is nonplussed to find Ana still asleep. Dude, have you checked her breathing? She could very well be dead. Oh well, a rich playboy like Christian would have no problem hiding the evidence. Anyway, that little bitch has slept enough: Christian decides to wake her up.

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But first he orders room service – he can’t decide what Ana might want so he orders one of everything. This makes him feel super emo.

Christian’s first three years of desperation have taught him not to waste food ever. And the intervening TWENTY YEARS of having the best of everything didn’t help one bit.

Christian wakes Ana up and they have some stilted casual banter. Ana isn’t sure where she is at first, and is of course worried about what might have, er, happened after she passed out. Christian thinks to himself, “Keep it casual Grey. You don’t want to be charged with kidnapping.

So he gets how creepy the whole situation is, he is just hoping to play it off like its normal.

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Ana berates herself for getting drunk and having bad friends who let strange men hustle her into their cars. The whole thing kind of turns Christian on. Still he reassures Ana that they didn’t have drunken sex, so she is relieved about that at least. She is a bit squicked out that he stripped her vomitty clothes off though. And a bit squicked out that he tracked her cell phone to find her.

Yeah, dude, that *is* kinda gross.

Well! Christian never! Never! The very idea. Well, maybe he did, but it’s cute and fun when he does it.

Christian scolds Ana about drinking too much and letting Jose hit on her, and for not eating properly. You know normal topics between people who have just met. Christian imagines Ana in all sorts of bindings, trusses, and positions, and then darts off to the shower to escape. He wants to jerk off but he’s afraid that Elena will find out, so he doesn’t.

How the fuck would she find out? Seriously dude. Seriously.

Ana, grossed out by being in the same book as this space case, heads off for a million showers in bleach, while Christian waits for breakfast to arrive. Christian uses the alone time to wonder if Ana would make a good sub, and is briefly angry that she might have had sex with some other person, you know, before they met.

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That little whore! Not saving herself for someone she had no idea even existed!

Christian is further pissed off when two ladies arrive from room service. They make googly cow eyes at him, as does every woman ever. His billionaire powers put everyone in his thrall. He warns them off with a “chilly smile.” Yes. Smiling is how we indicate our displeasure.

Breakfast is full of the same awkward flirting and banter we’ve grown to grudgingly tolerate. Ana bites her lip and whispers seductively. Christian lets us in on this bit of glorious TMI:

Her words travel straight to my cock.

So, you hear with it now, too? Do you have some kind of novelty penis-sized ear trumpet to keep it better informed? Do your pants have to be specially tailored for that?

We’ll never know because Christian heads off the sexy talk by telling Ana he will not touch her even once until she signs his sex contract and non-disclosure agreement. Unfortunately, the paperwork and orientation takes a whole day so no sex today!

There’s more awkward talk, about Ana’s new apartment, about her lack of employment prospects, and Christian Grey’s nebulous business factory. They make a date for that very night to hash out the contract, and Grey makes a huge production of having his personal helicopter brought out so that they can ride in it.

There’s even more awkward banter as they leave for work and then they hit the sexy magic elevator of sex. Christian announces, “Fuck the paperwork.” And then they make out like horny teens whose parents have gone away for the evening. The elevator stops and Christian compliments Ana for brushing her teeth. Basic hygiene is soooper hawt!

It’s even hawter because Ana used his toothbrush. Ha ha, she’s gross.

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They stop at Ana’s apartment to pick up Elliot, and there’s lots of residual awkwardness between the four of them. Elliot hugs Ana and it makes Christian furiously angry. Healthy. Ana goes to work and Christian and Elliot head back to the hotel to await THE BIG DATE.

Friday, May 20, 2011 – It’s the Chapter with the Bar and the Vomiting and the Tracking of the Cellphones!

Having largely ignored the boring workings of his “business” and sent the books off to Ana, Christian has finally been able to relax and get a good night’s sleep. He argues with his reflection in the mirror for a bit – first insisting that he is just happy to have closure, but then forcing himself to admit that he really wants Ana to respond to the gift.

Well dude, it’s a gift, so you are guaranteed a perfunctory thank you at minimum.

Christian reads the paper while his housekeeper makes him an omelet. Then Elliot calls. Remember Elliot? Christian’s brother, infamous gadabout, and relentless philanderer? Him. He calls. Elliot needs to get out of town for the weekend because his new flavour of the week girlfriend is “all over [his] junk.” Yeah. Men hate that.

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Christian suggests staying in Portland for some brotherly hiking and biking. Totally not because that’s where Ana lives and he might ‘accidently’ run into her. Elliot agrees, blissfully unaware that he is probably going to get ditched as soon as Christian hears from Ana.

They drive to Portland, and Elliot sleeps all the way. Christian muses that Elliot must be ‘fried.’ That word…

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Well, it pisses Christian off so he blasts his music to wake Elliot up. Christian and Elliot reminisce briefly about cycling with their dad, before Christian spirals into self-loathing, about his failed relationship with his adoptive father. Of which there is NO evidence in the first three books. Their relationship appears warm and cordial, but Christian still insists, “I’m the one who didn’t live up to his expectations.”

Um, OK dude, whatever you say.

They get to Portland, go for a one paragraph bike ride and settle into the hotel room to watch some baseball. Christian obsessively checks his phone for notifications from Ana but gets none. Elliot remarks that his super clingy flavour of the week has called five times and texted four times. Christian jokes that maybe she’s pregnant, which causes Elliot to nearly pass out with shock (let it be known that these are some easily shocked men).

Elliot, when he recovers enough to speak, responds thusly:

“Besides, I haven’t known her that long. Or that often.”

Yeaahhhh…that’s not how it works. It’s frightening to me that anyone writing erotica doesn’t have a solid grip on the mechanics of sex.

After some manly sports and a few cold, manly brewskis between manly men manly Ana…I mean regular Ana finally calls. She’s drunk, and it sounds like some sort of party behind her.

Oh! It’s this chapter! The one where Ana gets wasted after her exams, drunk calls Christian from the bar and it so shocks delicate unworldly Christian that he has to track her cell phone, stalk her at the bar, scold her for being drunk, and carry her back to his hotel room.

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Hoo boy.

Buckle in; we’re through the looking glass here people. Also: we’ve buttered our bread, and now we have to lie in it.

So Ana calls, and it’s clear that she’s drunk. She refuses to tell him where she is, or whom she is with. Christian is filled with ‘anxiety.’ Uh-huh. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? So he’s anxious. Ana is drunk and alone in a bar in Portland and THAT’S NOT SAFE. Dude. You’ve known this girl for a grand total of eleven days. You are not *that* concerned for her safety.

Ana continues to refuse to tell him where she is and it makes him REALLY MAD. Then she laughs at how bossy she is and woo! He’s furious.

Ana hangs up, and Christian does the sane logical thing. He calls he back and tells her in an ‘arctic’ voice, “I am coming to get you.”

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Not. Creepy. At. All.

He plays it off to Elliot like he has to give some girl a ride home, so they head out to look for Ana. Christian calls Welch and tells him to track Ana’s cell phone even though it is totally illegal and he acknowledges that. For whatever reason, they leave as soon as Christian calls Welch but before Welch can call back with Ana’s location. So, I guess they are just going to rage-drive aimlessly around Portland until they get a location. Sure. Whatever.

The next scene is inside the bar, so they must have gotten the info they needed. They immediately spot Kate at the table with a crowd of men. Christian asks where Ana is, but Kate isn’t really paying attention because she’s fallen in convenient plot device with Elliot. Kate waves Christian off towards the back door.

Outside Christian finds Ana being manhandled by Jose and rushes to intervene, because who knows what this drunk cad has planned for Ana!

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That is all.

Jose backs off and Ana shows her thanks by vomiting majestically all over the parking lot. Dear, virtuous white knight Christian holds Ana’s hair while she pukes and notes disdainfully that Jose is grossed out. Well duh. It’s vomit.

He thinks:

“Boy, she’s got it bad.”

Thaaaat’s not what that means. But whatever.

Ana gets done puking, falls into Christian’s arms and apologises. Christian practically titters with glee. “Okay, let’s have some fun,” he thinks. He makes her spell out all the things she is sorry for: calling, vomiting, being drunk. Then he lays into her about the evils of drink.

Christian even wonders briefly if Ana is an alcoholic. How would he know? They met 11 days ago. But the main takeaway is that getting drunk to celebrate your graduation is BEYOND THE PALE. Those are his words. This is a guy who did in fact attend college. He knows what college kids get up to. But that’s not appropriate behaviour for a young lady!

Also keep in mind this is a guy who had a few beers himself before driving out to find Ana. But that…that’s okay. Totally, 100%, A OK.

Christian gathers Ana up and tries to steer her out of the bar and into his car. That could only be less dreamy and romantic if his car was a beaten up white van with grimy blacked out windows. Holy rape van, Batman!

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Christian’s plan is briefly thwarted because Ana insists that she tell Kate where she is going. This gives Christian a sad. He thinks:

“She’s like oil on my troubled, deep, dark waters.”

Wat? What does that even mean? She covers you up with a rainbow-y film? She kills all your native wildlife? Help me out here.

Back to Kate…Kate is on the dance floor so Christian tells us that the only way to get to her is TO DANCE! They can’t just elbow their way over: they have to dance. This had better be one epic fucking Bollywood style dance number in the movie because why the hell include it otherwise?

Honestly.

So they finally tell Kate, and then Christian steers poor drunken hapless Ana into his car. She passes out on the way, so he just picks her up and carries her. The fact that Ana might need medical attention doesn’t even begin to entertain the vague possibility of crossing Christian’s mind for even one second: he just stuffs her in the car.

Right about now you’re probably thinking that this couldn’t get creepier, right? But you’d be wrong, because this happens:

“I head to the Heathman [that’s the hotel], telling myself I’m doing this for her sake. Yeah, tell yourself that. Grey.”

So all that bluster about being anxious? And all the “it’s not safe,” malarkey? Yeah. He just admitted that was crap. He’s just gathered a drunken helpless girl into his car for his own selfish reasons. And because frankly, who’s going to stop him? He’s filthy rich.

Really

Back at the hotel Christian strips Ana and puts her to bed. But it’s ok because he only imagines having sex with her. Plus he’s only staring at her unconscious body so he can guesstimate her clothing size. See? There’s no cause for concern.

We end the chapter with Christian emailing his butler with an order for all new clothes for Ana in those guesstimated sizes. We can almost buy that this is not totally inappropriate. Except Elliot texts Christian to say that he hopes Christian gets laid because Christian sooo needs it.

And of course Christian answers NO WAY! This girl is unconscious! The very thought sickens me!

Ha ha! Fooled you.

He says:

“I so do, Elliot. I so do.”