Saturday, May 28, 2011 – Christian Grey and the Day No One Cared About but We Had to Read Anyway

Here’s a super short bonus chapter:  Saturday, May 28, 2011.

Christian picks up his delighted and chattery younger excuse not to help Ana move, er, I mean sister at the airport. Mia chatters about France and cooking school and shopping and all manner of rich girl things. Christian has a flashback about Mia as a baby – which is moderately disturbing since he’s the one driving. Oh well, Mia just keeps on yapping and doesn’t even notice.

In the flashback Christian’s mother lets him hold baby Mia, and he loves her sooooo much that ‘Mia’ is his first word. The montage finishes up as Christian pulls into the driveway of his parents’ mansion, with Mia still talking. Phew! Everybody made it out alive!

Christian helps Mia carry her mountain of luggage into the house. Women! Amirite? Christian is disgusted by the maid, who makes ‘cow eyes’ at him. Women again! Amirite?! Huh? Huh?

amirite

Yeah, maybe Christian is just a gross asshole. It’s more than a remote possibility.

Christian goes to his personal trainer, goes jogging, and texts Elliot to find out Ana and Kate’s new address. He plans to send creepy stalker gifts to Ana, and presumably, dead animals to Kate, whom he hates with the white hot intensity of a thousand spoiled rich kids.

The riding crop, the one Christian ordered in the last chapter arrives. Did I mention that? Ana had a dream about a particular kind of riding crop so Christian ordered it as a surprise. Surprise motherfucker! He has the requisite Zapp Brannigan-esque thoughts, and then gets distracted by a phone call from Elena.

Now that he is totally not in love at all (it’s just an arrangement!) with Ana, for some reason he doesn’t want to talk to his old lover who’s been stringing him along all these years. Huh. Weird.

Then we skip to dinner with Mumsy and Dadsy at the mansion. The whole family gossips about who Christian’s new woman can possibly be. They giggle like school children at Christian’s expense. Gawd. No wonder he didn’t want to tell them about Ana. Elliot even exclaims loudly, “You know she popped his cherry?” Okay, Elliot is an adult man of nearly 30.

ew

It’s also interesting that, not only did his family think he was gay, they thought he was a gay virgin. Soooo…okay.

Elliot tries to stir up trouble by inviting Ana over for dinner at the mansion. Mumsy Grace strikes like a hungry wolverine – she wants to meet this woman! Christian doesn’t really give an answer and excuses himself before things can get weirder.

And that’s all she wrote. That is literally all she wrote.

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Friday, May 27, 2011: Christian, Ana and the Emailpocalypse

Friday is a long chapter but it’s mostly content free. So that’s cool. I guess. We ended Thursday on a low note: Christian had just returned from sexing Ana and was thinking everything was hunky dory when Ana surprised him with an email stating that she does not like him anymore. He is devastated. And confused. He’s confusedastated.

Turns out that Ana is just whining. Thusly:

You never stay with me.

And he doesn’t. Christian never stays with anyone, it is beneath him. Human contact is so…gross. But today is different. It’s an extra special red letter day so Christian drives as fast as he can to get to sweet sweet pure Ana.

When he gets there he is surprised that Kate is not happy to see him. He isn’t super perceptive is he? First off Kate hates him. We know that; he knows that. It isn’t a surprise. Second, Ana has been sobbing her eyes out since he left leaving Kate to assume (rightly) that it is because of something Christian did.

But lovable, everyman Christian lives in a world where no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves. He storms in past Kate, saying nothing but inside his head he calls her a harpy, thinks he shouldn’t have to put up with her shit and tells her to fuck off.

asshole

Christian manages to get into Ana’s room and demand to know what the hell the problem is. Ana blubbers like a…uh…something blubbery and Christian feels…bad. He doesn’t normally feel this kind of feels. He’s confused.

Ana tells him how much she didn’t like it, and how gross it made her feel even though it *was* kind of arousing. Christian tells her that it’s nonsense and obviously she liked it and she just needs to stop being a stuck up prude.

Despite having all the delicate finesse of a bull in a china shop, Christian eventually calms her down by agreeing to stay the night. Christian drifts off and has an alternately horrible and wonderful dream about apples, delicious aromatic horrible stinging apples.

Yeah. Christian has a lot of oddly strong feelings revolving around apples.

fetish

They wake up the next morning and Christian and Professor Cockington Junior discuss just how radiant Ana looks in the morning. I have to say Christian’s penis is a lot more personable than he is, and is a lot more agreeable than Ana’s alternate personalities who mostly berated Ana for enjoying life in any way.

Suddenly Christian realises he’s late for a meeting and practically flies out of Ana’s apartment. Turns out everyone else is later than he is anyway, so it doesn’t even matter. He spends the whole meeting pretending to care and pretty openly emailing back and forth with Ana.

Ana is finally convinced that she might have actually liked being spanked, despite no actually having any enjoyment and despite still feeling totally gross about it right now. Christian feels that this is a positive step. He tells her she ought to listen to her body. She responds that her body is telling her to get as far away from him as possible. Christian scoff that he’s filthy rich and would just hunt her down.

creeper

After the meeting Ros (his business partner) gives him an earful about fucking paying attention in meetings and tells him he may have just cost them a huge contract. Christian gives an offhand sorry/not sorry kind of answer and then goes on with his day.

He orders Ana a gynecologist, a blackberry, and a personal shopper. They email some more and agree to meet on Sunday at 1pm. Which is weir because Ana is moving Sunday, so one would think she would be busy. Then he orders wine and balloons as a housewarming present, in lieu of you know, helping them move, or ordering his minions to help her move.

The day seems pretty good, except Ana is not responding to his many many phone calls texts and emails. He starts to freak out and get angry. He emails Ana to tell her that when she says she will call when she gets home from work, he means THE SECOND SHE GETS HOME FROM WORK.

Then for some reason Christian gets all sad that he can’t help Ana move. He is the one who refused! He said no, and not even nicely. So I don’t know what he’s on about now. Just as Christian gets ready to put on some emo music and slit his wrists Ana finally calls.

Christian is furious to find out that Ana finished packing and had Chinese takeout with Jose. You know, the guy actually helping her move? That guy. And not even alone. Kate was there for God’s sake. Then they actually play the “You hang up game.” Like 14 year olds.

It’s totally gross, but at least it ends off the chapter.

hooray

Yay!

Thursday, May 26, 2011: High Quality, Uncut Nope

I have no desire to summarise this chapter at all: it’s full of high quality uncut nope. It starts as Christian wakes up from one of his many nightmares where he is left alone by his mother and has to eat mouldy cheese.

I hate my dreams, Christian informs us, just in case we were morons and didn’t understand THE POINT.

captainobvious

He checks frantically for email from Ana but she hasn’t sent one. He goes for a run, but still no email. He sends her some frantic texts. He has breakfast: no email. He’s freaking the fuck out.

Never mind that he’ll see her in just a couple of hours at her graduation ceremony (he’s the guest speaker) he is convinced that she is dead. DEAD. Okay, she went home, slept, and then had to get ready for graduation. She’s probably a little bit busy. But since Christian can’t think farther than his own dick, he just doesn’t get what is happening.

By the time 9:30 am rolls around he is angry, decides Ana is just being rude and starts calling her. No answer. He checks his email again, but only has email from his irritating sister, who he has agreed to pick up at the airport next Sunday. He calls Ana again.

Still no fucking answer!

Christian is furious now. He puts on the tie, the sexy tie. He is going to send a message to Ana. A sexy message.

We cut ahead to the graduation ceremony, the sexy graduation ceremony, where Christian runs into Kate with whom he has the standard cold reaction. He hates Kate. Hates her. For no real reason either. He pumps Kate for information about Ana, and it turns out she’s not dead after all! Thank God.

However, this just makes Christian angrier. I mean, if she was dead at least that would be a sort of excuse for not responding to his copious emails, texts and voice mails.

I just want to stop right here and point out that it has been less than 12 hours since they parted for the night. And Christian has already gone full batshit.

Batshitcrazy

He gives a drawn out speech about eradicating hunger and arable technology. It’s super boring and almost entirely content-free. Afterwards Christian sulks his way through handing out the degrees so he can finally confront Ana during her big moment. No one, BUT NO ONE has moments except Christian.

Christian holds up the line, and the S through Z graduates jostle each other impatiently while Christian demands to know why Ana didn’t answer him sooner. Ana gives him a non-answer and eventually he has to let her go, since everyone else is waiting. He informs her that they are going to continue this conversation later.

After the ceremony Christian tracks Ana down and locks her into a locker room with him. Then he demands to know why she hasn’t answered him. She tells him she hasn’t checked her phone or computer, what with her graduation being today. He’s still mad, but now he pretends to be mad about her car. He starts screaming about how unsafe it is. Just like any non-crazy, concerned boyfriend might do.

normal

Christian finally lets Ana out when she mentions that her stepdad will be looking for her. But he lets her out on the condition that she sign the contract or not by tomorrow. No more thinking about it. Thinking is hard! And not sexy.

Later at the reception, Christian charms Ana’s stepdad with talk of fishing. For a whole page. We get to hear about fishing for an entire gripping page. It’s interesting to note that Ana’s own mom couldn’t be bothered to show up for her graduation.

When Ray heads up the yellow brick road to take the whiz, Christian and Ana play a little grabass. Christian wheedles some more to convince Ana into the relationship he wants. Ana tells him she wants “more.” Christian refuses. No romance, no boyfriendy stuff, no hearts and flowers. But Ana doesn’t know if she wants that kind of relationship.

“You don’t know much.”

That’s Christian’s response.

amazing

But I guess it works because Ana reluctantly agrees. Christian, having gotten his way, is suddenly all business again, and goes off to do all the obligatory handshaking and socialising required by occasion. They agree to meet that very night to seal the deal.

Once on his own Christian despairs that every sub he ever had falls in love with him and wants to set up household in his life. It’s sooooo tiresome. But Ana is different. She’s such a pure, good Madonna-esque figure that Christian just might consider being a nicer person just for the privilege of basking in her light.

Ana emails and they agree to meet that very evening to discuss matters. Christian zooms over with booze and condoms in case he ‘gets lucky.’ Ana is surprised that champagne can be pink, and gives Christian the hairy eye.

She knows I’m plying her with alcohol.

Yup. It’s nice that he can at least admit it.

They make small talk during which Christian lies about being too busy to help Ana move on Sunday. He would totally help, but he’s just got this thing to attend to…it’s super important.

So they get wasted and talk terms. Christian threatens to spank Ana. Ana vetoes nearly everything in the contract but Christian only allows her to make fisting a hard limit. Every time Ana says she doesn’t want to do whatever thing it is – anal sex, bondage, being gagged – he assures her that she really does want to do those things but she just needs to work up to it. It’s a good thing Christian knows what Ana wants because Ana sure as hell doesn’t seem to know.

All this sexy talk gets Christian all turned on, and he tells her to hurry it up so they can screw. Ana is reluctant but Christian dangles the possibility of “more” in front of her like a carrot to urge her on. If she agrees to be his unwilling sub for several days a week, then he will be her unwilling boyfriend perhaps one night a week.

wrong

Before they have sex Christian takes Ana outside and gives her a new car. She’s furious and demands he return it. Christian explicitly tells her that if she wants him as a pretend boyfriend one day a week, then this is the price. They both head to the bedroom angry.

Then they have sexy sexy sex, which is kind of gross but whatever. Ana is a little afraid of Christian, and Christian is, I don’t know, just plain nuts. Christian’s first act as a Dom is to let Ana do whatever she wants, and take control of the situation. Is…is that…usual? I don’t even know.

Christian then spends some time crowing about how all Ana’s orgasms belong to him. That’s the wording he uses. Ana shamefully admits that she had an orgasm in her sleep. She is afraid that Christian will be angry at her. For something she has zero control over.

Christian gets up to leave because sexy time is over. Ana threatens to string him along by not officially signing the contract. Christian threatens to kidnap her and keep her as a sex slave. Because he’s filthy rich and who is going to stop him?

Christian is mad and turned on now, and uses a flimsy pretext to spank Ana and have sex again. He mentions how mad he is that she asked (waaaay back in chapter one) if he was gay. He’s going to beat her for that. Like any sensible person would. Obviously.

How gross is that? Who thinks that sentiment is okay?

Yourideasarebad

Then they have sex and all appears to be well as far as Christian can tell. He goes home and they immediately start the email train back up. Choo! Choo! Suddenly Ana gets sullen and tells Christian that she doesn’t like him anymore.

And that’s how we end the chapter.