Friday, May 27, 2011: Christian, Ana and the Emailpocalypse

Friday is a long chapter but it’s mostly content free. So that’s cool. I guess. We ended Thursday on a low note: Christian had just returned from sexing Ana and was thinking everything was hunky dory when Ana surprised him with an email stating that she does not like him anymore. He is devastated. And confused. He’s confusedastated.

Turns out that Ana is just whining. Thusly:

You never stay with me.

And he doesn’t. Christian never stays with anyone, it is beneath him. Human contact is so…gross. But today is different. It’s an extra special red letter day so Christian drives as fast as he can to get to sweet sweet pure Ana.

When he gets there he is surprised that Kate is not happy to see him. He isn’t super perceptive is he? First off Kate hates him. We know that; he knows that. It isn’t a surprise. Second, Ana has been sobbing her eyes out since he left leaving Kate to assume (rightly) that it is because of something Christian did.

But lovable, everyman Christian lives in a world where no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves. He storms in past Kate, saying nothing but inside his head he calls her a harpy, thinks he shouldn’t have to put up with her shit and tells her to fuck off.

asshole

Christian manages to get into Ana’s room and demand to know what the hell the problem is. Ana blubbers like a…uh…something blubbery and Christian feels…bad. He doesn’t normally feel this kind of feels. He’s confused.

Ana tells him how much she didn’t like it, and how gross it made her feel even though it *was* kind of arousing. Christian tells her that it’s nonsense and obviously she liked it and she just needs to stop being a stuck up prude.

Despite having all the delicate finesse of a bull in a china shop, Christian eventually calms her down by agreeing to stay the night. Christian drifts off and has an alternately horrible and wonderful dream about apples, delicious aromatic horrible stinging apples.

Yeah. Christian has a lot of oddly strong feelings revolving around apples.

fetish

They wake up the next morning and Christian and Professor Cockington Junior discuss just how radiant Ana looks in the morning. I have to say Christian’s penis is a lot more personable than he is, and is a lot more agreeable than Ana’s alternate personalities who mostly berated Ana for enjoying life in any way.

Suddenly Christian realises he’s late for a meeting and practically flies out of Ana’s apartment. Turns out everyone else is later than he is anyway, so it doesn’t even matter. He spends the whole meeting pretending to care and pretty openly emailing back and forth with Ana.

Ana is finally convinced that she might have actually liked being spanked, despite no actually having any enjoyment and despite still feeling totally gross about it right now. Christian feels that this is a positive step. He tells her she ought to listen to her body. She responds that her body is telling her to get as far away from him as possible. Christian scoff that he’s filthy rich and would just hunt her down.

creeper

After the meeting Ros (his business partner) gives him an earful about fucking paying attention in meetings and tells him he may have just cost them a huge contract. Christian gives an offhand sorry/not sorry kind of answer and then goes on with his day.

He orders Ana a gynecologist, a blackberry, and a personal shopper. They email some more and agree to meet on Sunday at 1pm. Which is weir because Ana is moving Sunday, so one would think she would be busy. Then he orders wine and balloons as a housewarming present, in lieu of you know, helping them move, or ordering his minions to help her move.

The day seems pretty good, except Ana is not responding to his many many phone calls texts and emails. He starts to freak out and get angry. He emails Ana to tell her that when she says she will call when she gets home from work, he means THE SECOND SHE GETS HOME FROM WORK.

Then for some reason Christian gets all sad that he can’t help Ana move. He is the one who refused! He said no, and not even nicely. So I don’t know what he’s on about now. Just as Christian gets ready to put on some emo music and slit his wrists Ana finally calls.

Christian is furious to find out that Ana finished packing and had Chinese takeout with Jose. You know, the guy actually helping her move? That guy. And not even alone. Kate was there for God’s sake. Then they actually play the “You hang up game.” Like 14 year olds.

It’s totally gross, but at least it ends off the chapter.

hooray

Yay!

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