50 Shades Male Lead Kinda Grossed Out by Visiting a Real Sex Dungeon.

Over at The Mary Sue, fountain of at least 90% of the good things on the internet, they are reporting that Jamie Dornan, star of the upcoming Fifty Shades movie was “alternatively (sic) bored and grossed out” after visiting a real sex dungeon. In fact he was so disgusted that he needed to take fifty scalding showers before he could touch either his wife or newborn baby.

So for any of you out there who are into BDSM, this is the takeaway:

There’s no way I could say it better than they did over at TMS, so go over and read their article. Also check out the original Dornan interview over at Elle.

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Ana + Christian = Asstian, Worlds Most Emo Power Couple

Well, we left Ana waiting in the foyer of Christian’s penthouse, critiquing the art. She stands with one of Christian’s rent-a-cops, while Christian and the others “sweep the apartment.”

Ana is terrified for Christian’s safety, and she ought to be. Those security guys really suck at their job. They let Mrs. Robinson get past them twice in one day, and crazy ghost-girl ex got past them just now.

They are soooo fired.

Ana distracts herself by examining the paintings – 16 religious themed paintings, all Madonna and Child type affairs. Ana has never noticed them before, and wonders if Christian is religious. She has no idea, after all the crap they’ve been through. Well, Sherlock Holmes this girl is not.

The whole OMG-my-crazy-ex-is-in-the-apartment turns out to be nothing. Sweet. It’s like watching one of those Ghostbustery Paranormal Chase shows. You know the kind I mean. OMG! OMG LOOK OVER THERE IT’S A…[cut to commercial break]…[cut back to whoever is screaming]…OMG IT’S…oh it’s a spider. Nevermind.

Christian returns after only a minute of two, and there is much rejoicing.

They are such drama queens. They are perfect for each other, non? They need an awesome power couple name. Like Asstian.

Asstian.

Ana says, “Honestly your exes are proving to be very challenging, Mr. Grey.” Wha??? They just slink around whining and making vague threats. You haven’t even had to fight ONE of them ninja-style. Not very challenging at all. But Ana needn’t worry! Christian doesn’t want the police involved, he will deal with his exes himself. Hooray! He’s going to have this one shot too. I mean, what’s the point of being obscenely wealthy if you can’t have a few choice people rubbed out now and then?

Christian then orders Ana to bed even though she’s not tired anymore. She lays back to have a long think about all the things she has learned. Then she wakes up. Awwww…poor baby, she shorted out her brain.

It turns out this IS in fact an episode of ghost hunters, as Ana wakes to see A WOMAN OUTLINED IN THE DOORWAY! Oh wait, it was just her imagination. Phew.

Ana is still upset so she sets off the find Christian, who has never come to bed. He is in his study, on the phone, yelling at Mrs. Robinson. At 2 am. Ana listens in, she claims to feel guilty, but she does it anyway. When he’s done ranty-ranting Ana knocks on the door. He’s all snarly and angry until he realises it’s her. Then he’s suddenly Mr. Sunshine. Yeah. That’s totally not a red flag.

They make some blarfy, melodramatic kissy face, and hokey soap opera pronouncements of their feelings like these:

Do you know what you mean to me? If something happened to you because of me…

Ana marvels at how soft his beard stubble is, which sounds like bullshit to me. Stubble is picky, and unless Christian is covered in ultra-manly rabbit fur his stubble is picky too.

Your beard grows so quickly, Ana whispers in wonder at Christian. That’s in there. Ana actually says that. She is in a a state of perpetual wonderment at everyday normal things. You have beard stubble after a day of not shaving! It’s like some kind of fucking super power! You’re Beard Man! You stop villains in their tracks with your amazingly soft beard stubble, and rugged good looks.

Sigh.

Asstian, start to undress each other, and Ana notices Christian is still covered in that Harlot Red lipstick back from, like, a million chapters ago. I seriously need a timeline here. Because it feels like this story has been going on forever, but I suspect our crappy couple only met each other, like, a week and a half ago.

They head back to the bedroom.

“Miss Steele, you are insatiable.” Yeah maybe. But at some point there is going to be some chafing. Seriously. They had sex a half dozen times before the charity ball, they had sex *at* the ball, and now they are going to do it again. It’s the same day! Well, good fairytales always have an element of magic, and I guess the magic here is that they can have endless sex without getting sore.

They repair to the bedroom where they notice the balcony door has been mysteriously opened. HOLY CRAP SOMEONE IS HERE! Christian sounds the alarm, the Keystone cops come bumbling in and Asstian get dressed to leave.

Ana wears some track pants Christian throws at her – the first thing they can find to put on. She mentions how ridiculously big they are, which is odd since she wore Christian’s underwear way back in the first book and there was no issue with size. I know details can be hard to keep straight. Did the butler have blue eyes or green? Was the cousin of the love interest named Corrie or Carrie? But that’s the writer’s job to keep straight. And the editor’s job to catch the slips. Somebody didn’t do their job here.

You know what else? It’s insulting to the reader. Were the cufflinks mentioned once in the first chapter gold or silver? Who cares, the idiots reading this will never remember. Seriously? Why would I ever want to read a book that treats me like I’m stupid? I don’t.

Asstian flee to a hotel, and while in the car Ana reveals that she knows how to handle a gun. Oh sweet lord. This woman can barely stand up on her own, do NOT give her a goddamn gun! Christian is skeptical, and so am I. Throughout the books Ana claims to be good at many things: shooting, cooking, getting information out of people. But she’s never shown being good at these things. She’s a bit full of shit.

Christian tells Ana he’ll replace the car trashed by his crazy ex. And it’ll be exactly the same car, because he buys all his submissives the same car. Classy. He has no idea why this upsets Ana. This guy has no people skills at all. Then they get all emo and start in with a hackneyed, ‘if you knew anything about me you would leave me’. Ana assures him she will never leave. It’s like they are 15 years old.

Then they whine that Christian’s sister was cock blocking them at the auction. What a bitch! Expecting them to not have sex at a public charity event. That’s pretty fucking unreasonable if you ask me. But, Christian jokes, they got there in the end. Yes. The end. Haw haw haw.

They get to the hotel and check in as Mr. and Mrs. Taylor. Ana reads deep meaning into this even though there isn’t any. She doesn’t get this whole stealth thing. She hides her hands so the concierge can’t see that she isn’t wearing a wedding ring.

They settle into their room, and drink some more. It’s supposed to be classy, with expensive booze and a cozy fire but it just comes off as excessive. They already drank glasses and glasses of wine at the auction just a few hours ago.

Christian remarks that he’d like to drink and then lose himself in Ana. Maybe. Not. The best. Wording. I’m just saying. But it goes over everyone’s head so no one is offended. They lapse into another round of feeling heavily-boy-band-inspired feelings at each other.

I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, what you did, as long as you love me…it just goes on and on like that. They spend the whole time calling each other Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, which eventually somehow leads to sexytime. Which frankly is kinda creepy.

As sexytime gets going in earnest Christian’s eyes, “grow larger, burning into me, wary…and needful?” Ana is baffled by what this facial expression might mean. Well, I’m no expert here, but let me take a stab at it:

HE’S HORNY. YOU FUCKING MORON, HE’S HORNY.

Ok, that’s better.

Also, for some reason everyone is whispering. They whisper through the entire sex scene, for no reason I can discern. Maybe so Christian’s crazy exes can’t find them? Perhaps they have super hearing. I don’t know. There’s a bit of moaning at the end, though. SHHHHH! They’ll hear you!

While they are kissing, Ana describes their tongues as ‘avaricious.’ That’s a pretty fucking loaded word to describe two consenting adults french kissing. You evil sinful sinners! Having and enjoying sex right in the privacy of your own room! You disgust me.

Then Christian, in the middle of the evil, sinnarific sex announces: “”You’re going to unman me, Ana.”

How is the sex not instantly over? Why does Ana not respond, “Wait, what?” You’re going to unman me? With sex? Like by sexing your dick until it falls off? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

Christian hands her a condom (remember this, it’s important in a minute) and Ana congratulates herself for being able to open it. It’s just not that difficult. But OK, take your victories where you can find them.

Ana asks him to sex her up hard and fast. Christian is all LOL, nope. He wants it slow. Yeah, Ana who the fuck cares what you want? Nobody, that’s who. Nobody. Deal with it.

After the sex Ana recaps for us in case we’ve forgotten since one whole paragraph ago: “It’s so late and I’m so tired, but I just want to enjoy the quiet serene afterglow of making love with Christian Grey, because that’s what we’ve done: gentle sweet lovemaking.

Thanks Captain Obvious!

They get all clingy and emo again and then fall asleep. The next day, Ana is super sore. Hmmmm…I wonder why? Maybe God is punishing you for all that sinning you just did. Christian orders Ana to eat breakfast because she will ‘need her strength today.’ This causes Ana’s Inner Goddess to wake up, looking ‘just-fucked.’ Oh God. Are her personalities having sex now too? In her head? With each other?! I don’t even.

They start to snap at each other, and Christian reminds Ana about the mandatory no discussion birth control that he has ordered. Ana wonders why they can’t just have a calm, pleasant morning. Because you’re both batshit crazy drama queens, dear. That’s why.

Soooo…the doctor shows up to shoot Ana. I wish. To give her a shot. Remember that whole condom thing I mentioned? Here’s where it’s important. Dr. Greene asks why Ana needs a shot after she just prescribed Ana the pill last week. Well, Ana explains, I stopped taking them. The doctor is horrified.

“You could be pregnant!” Doctor Plot Device exclaims.

Well, yeah, it’s possible, but they used a condom EVERY DAMN TIME. Ana seems to have forgotten, so we spend a tense page and a half waiting for a pregnancy test. She is “stunned.” Well, that makes sense. Ana is kind of a stun bunny. Turns out to be a false alarm. OMG I COULD BE PREGNANT!!!!. Oh wait, never mind.

She gets the shot and then goes back to Christian, still upset by the ordeal. Note here that Ana is not upset that Christian has gone behind her back to order mandatory birth control. That, for some reason is TOTALLY NOT A PROBLEM. She acts all snippy and tense with Christian, until he forces her to tell him what her fucking problem is. She admits how awful it was to think she was pregnant for 30 seconds. Then she proceeds to get mad at him when he is also relieved that she isn’t pregnant.

Then they have the worlds least sexy and possibly most emo shower ever recorded in the English language. They get naked and lather up and Ana starts to cry because of the feels! Oh the feels! Christian is such a vulnerable hurt boy! And somehow showering signifies this! They make a huge deal about the fact that Christian does not like to be touched in a series of well delineated areas. There’s much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and I just fucking know I KNOW there’s going to be a triumphant scene in the last book where Ana can finally touch Christian all over because he’s been healed by her goody-goodness.

I want. To barf.

In a weird change of character, Ana mans up and suddenly tells Christian, I know how you feel about me…you love me.

Well, somebody had to say it. And so the chapter ends, not with a bang (haw haw) but with a literal whimper, as he answers, “Yes, I do.”

SHHHHHHH…they’ll hear you.

Chapter 24 of Fifty Shades is One Big Letdown After Another

I’m going to try and keep this short because sweet dick all happens in this chapter. Ana has another one of her extra-subtle, totally-not-hitting –you-over-the-head-with-the-message type dreams. Because nothing is as interesting as hearing about somebody’s dreams. Ana dreams that Christian is in a cage and she can’t touch him because of the cage. Also, she’s tied up. What manner of cryptic symbology is this?  What byzantine path to meaning could this possibly take?

Sadly this is probably the high point of the chapter. Christian wakes Ana up and it’s toooo early. She moans and groans, and not in a sexy fun way. She’s suddenly afraid he’ll want to have sex. Wait. Isn’t that a good thing? But no worries because it’s not business time, it’s time for that wonderful surprise Christian promised yesterday. And guess what? Ana can’t have a shower before they go!

“You are not a morning person,” Christian says. Well thank you captain obvious. We readers would never have figured that out on our own. We’re just too dumb.

While our crappy couple don’t have time for not stinking, they do have time to eat and have tea. And it’s Twinings again: the only brand they drink in 50 Shades-land. Four out of five submissives were told to prefer it in our taste tests! I wonder how big a cheque Ms. James got from Twinings? Ana sees the Twinings label and thinks to herself, See? He does care. Because nothing says ‘I love you’ like mid-range brand name tea. Apparently. I just have to say, Americans don’t love tea that much. They just don’t. So there.

So off they drive to god knows where for the amazing surprise. They listen to opera music on the way – “The Woman Led Astray.” Ana gets bored and changes it.  She chooses this:

Toxic. Are you readers getting the message here? It’s subtle but there is a message in these song choices and I hope you’re getting it!!!

To draw out the suspense they talk about Christian’s former lovers. Ana whines that it’s too early for this sort of conversation, but *shockingly* doesn’t shut her word-hole for one minute. Christian tells her he ditched his previous lovers because they ‘wanted more.’ Oh noes! That’s what Ana wants. But it’s okay, because he quickly reassures her that he wants more too. Awesome.

Christian also reveals ‘Mrs. Robinson’s’ proper name – Elena.  Ana immediately hates it because it ‘sounds foreign.’ Wow! They are not only raging homophobes but xenophobes too. Suh-weet.

They finally, finally, finally get to the surprise and it is…a glider ride. Yeah seriously. They aren’t flying to Paris for lunch, or eating ice cream sundaes topped with 24 karat gold leaf, they are going for a glider ride. ZZzzzz…

They make a big deal out of tying everybody into the harnesses. And yeah, I get that harnesses are sexy, but this just sucks. If some rich Ehmer-Effer got me up at 5 am to go on a glider ride, I’d bite his dick off. They make another big deal out of tying Ana’s hair back, because that’s how Christian likes it during sex. So this whole glider thing is one big metaphor for how great BDSM would be if you’d just give in and try it! Silly girl.

Well, after that big let-down, we realise the fun has just started. No. Not really. They head to breakfast at the local IHOP. Yeah, I’m totally not kidding. Then Christian drops Ana off at her mother’s house utterly and completely unrogered (in this chapter at least). Ana’s mother is flabbergasted when she hears what Ana and Christian have been up to. I guess she’s an easy audience.

Then more email! You know you wanted it. Perverts. Ana’s mom cooks, and Ana gets a job offer from one of the only two places she applied. We’d better find out Christian rigged the job for her or there will be consequences. I swear to God there will be consequences. Christian then begs off of dinner because he has work to do! Classy! More emails follow in predictable succession.

*sigh*

We end the chapter with the revelation that Ana talks in her sleep. And now Christian knows something which he won’t reveal. Ana is scandalised!

Oh. My. God. I don’t even begin to care. But thankfully this train wreck is almost over. Just two chapters left and I can put this whole thing behind me…

Chapter 22 of Fifty Shades Gives Boring Relationship Advice

Chapter 22 of Fifty Shades of Grey is about a whole lot of nothing. Ana goes to her mom’s place for a little vacation from Crazy McCrazington III. So, we’re guaranteed no sex in this chapter at least. Last chapter, we left Ana at the airport fuming that Christian had upgraded her ticket to first class. That ass!

Now, after a few drinks, Ana is less furious at being upgraded to first class. She gets a massage and a manicure and then breaks out the – you guessed it – email. I have to say that reading email got boring after the first dozen or so. This plot device would have seemed desperately cool in the late nineties when email was just getting universal…but in 2012, not so much.

Ana emails Christian to thank him for the upgrade, and Christian is upset about her getting the massage. Ana decides to poke a stick into the hornet’s nest and tell Christian how handsome her male masseur was. Then she snickers to herself because, “he’s going to flip out – and I shall be airborne and out of reach.” And how delicious will that be?

About as delicious as a shit sandwich. Ugh. Come on, Thor! Use your mighty hammer to smite her airplane out of the sky.

I’m warning you – cut out the stupid and petty crap.

Almost immediately Ana begins to worry that Christian will show up and get on the plane. Not such a good idea to wind up the crazy guy, eh? But he doesn’t show and Ana can enjoy her flight. But she doesn’t. She wishes Christian was there. Wait. Wut? She was just afraid that he was coming. Now she’s sad that he didn’t. I’m confuzzled. And don’t try to tell me she’s complicated or ambivalent or whatever.

And that’s the way the author likes her.

Ana checks her Blackberry and finds that Christian has written back to say that next time he will have her sent in a crate rather than upgrade her ticket. Ana isn’t sure whether he’s joking. She’s dumb. Have I mentioned that?

She’s apologises for making him angry, but I seriously doubt her sincerity, considering how excited she was about it just a minute ago. He tells her to turn off her computer, because you aren’t allowed to use electronics on a plane. She pulls out the one and only book she’s ever read: Tess of the D’Urbervilles and promptly falls asleep instead of reading it.

Ana and Christian argue some more over email during the layover in Atlanta. Ana tells him she is considering his proposal, a lifestyle she didn’t know existed a week ago. Two things went through my head at this point:

  1. Bullshit. You just can’t _not know_ that many things;
  2. It’s only been a week? It seems like for-fucking-ever.

She sleeps again on her second plane and wakes up “beyond fatigued.” She just slept twice! But all that thinking, it wears one out, I guess.

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All this thinking makes me tired!

Ana gets off the plane, sees her mom and starts crying. She doesn’t know why, but lies to her mom about it anyway. Her father-in-law takes her backpack (why can’t she carry it? She just finished uni, she must have carried a heavy backpack before.) and comments on how heavy it is. Ana explains it’s her new Mac, that Christian “lent her.” Are Macs known for being really heavy? :/ I don’t take my laptop around, but that’s because I’m clumsy, not because its soooo heavy.

OK, this is just going on and on for a chapter in which nothing happens until the last sentence…so I’ll try to long-story-short it here. Ana goes to the beach with her mom. Mom gives her relationship advice, which Ana thinks must be good because her mom has been married four times. No, honey, sweetie, baby…that kinda implies the exact opposite.

If your mom has been married that much, she’s the weakest link.

She has exactly no advice that is of use to you. Here’s one of her hard-won gems of knowledge: “Men prefer action.” Well, thanks? I guess?

Ana then takes a nap, goes out to dinner, appreciates her mom. During all this she alternately texts and emails Christian, furious and jealous that he is going out to dinner while she is gone. She repeats the procedure the next day. Ana and her mom end up in a bar, drinking cosmopolitans. Ana continues to text her petty jealousies to Christian, while pretending to listen to relationship advice from her mom. Ana makes a dig about Christian having dinner with one of his exes, and then he asks her how many cosmopolitans she is going to drink.

Haw! Haw! She thought she’d insult him from afar, but he showed up! Because he’s rich. And has a private jet! Kill me!

And that’s chapter 22.  Will they run into each other’s arms slo-mo style? Will he beat her to a bloody pulp? Do I care enough to find out? We’ll see next time t I Read 50 Shades So You Don’t Have To…