Wednesday, May 25, 2011: Not Humping at All Day

Wednesday is mercifully short. For the first time, we aren’t forced to follow Christian through his exercise routine, or his blandly ambiguous business meetings. And thank God for that. It’s boring and oddly nonspecific. In the Fifty Shades books Christian was making a wind-up cell phone for the those poor third world countries over there, which then morphed into a solar powered cell phone presumably because somebody clued Christian in to how ridiculous that was. Now he’s making a solar powered tablet.

So whatever. The point is that everyone in all those poor countries “over there” will soon be able to share cat pictures and memes thanks to Christian!

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This chapter covers the contract “negotiation”, if you can even call it that. We rejoin Christian just before 7 pm as he waits for Ana to arrive at the hotel. The one he’s staying at so he can be closer to Ana. He orders a glass of wine which I trust is super expensive but since I don’t care for wine I really have no idea.

Ana finally appears at the door of the hotel bar. Christian is stunned into silence because she’s all tarted up for the evening and apparently she cleans up well. Christian makes a mental note to buy her some diamond earrings so that she’ll look properly put together next time. He also makes a mental note that she is wearing just the right amount of makeup – not too much.

I guess she remembered not to set her makeup gun to “whore.”

Christian thinks back to the first chapter and remembers how ordinary Ana looked. Except that’s not what happened. I flipped back to check. Christian calls her attractive, delicate, intriguing and even EXTRAordinary. That word actually gets used. So no, he didn’t think she was ordinary. At all.

They stay in the bar and have wine, olives, and mixed nuts. Christian makes a big show out of licking and sucking on them, while Ana tries to talk terms. Ana is upset that Christian led her to believe that the contract was legally binding. Christian is astonished that she didn’t know better, but is glad that she figured it out for herself.

He tries to explain that the contract is not about Rules and terms, but rather about trust and honesty. And man, oh man, Christian is all about trust and honesty! And respecting limits!

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Ana tells him she would prefer to remain in public for the negotiations. Well, too bad! Christian has a private dining room booked so that’s where it’s happening. Christian spends the evening using all his manly wiles to derail the discussion and wheedle Ana back into bed. That’s how much he values honesty and limits and trust.

It’s weird, because he’s the one that made it all about the contract. The one who encouraged Ana to think it over, research the lifestyle, and to discuss her objections.

But anyway, Ana makes a petty jab about him shopping at Submissives ‘R’ Us, and he makes a jab about her refusal to eat. Then they are led off to the private dining room. As they go, Christian notices that every man is ogling Ana, and he doesn’t like it, no siree! But for some reason I can’t fathom, he doesn’t order them all killed, and they make it to the dining room without incident.

Alone, Christian imagines Ana in various states of undress before pulling himself together and pulling out Ana’s email. Finally! The contract.

Christian agrees to redraft the bit about the contract being for Ana’s benefit. Christian also agrees that they can just take each other’s word that they are healthy and free from STDs. He swears he’s clean. Honest! And so does she.

Christian addresses several of Ana’s points by reminding her that she can leave at any time. But, and this is a big, threatening but, if she leaves they are done forever. It’s my way or the highway. He thinks to himself.

No. Second. Chances. Ever.

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Considering how he’s into honesty and trust, you’d think he’d say that out loud. Nah! She’ll figure it out.

The waiter shows up with oysters, and of course they make a big sexy show of eating them. They make much ado about ‘swallowing’ and ‘tasting of the sea.’ It’s just as gross and contrived as you would imagine. They get all worked up, and then Christian turns back to the contract, because that’s the kind of guy he is. He wants Ana nice and muddled so she just agrees to whatever.

They turn to the subject of obedience and discipline. Ana isn’t interested in being hurt. It’s not her deal. Christian reassures her that it’s just role play and that honestly truly really it is super enjoyable if she would just go along and do it. Ana grudgingly agrees that she could try it.

Christian is relieved. He reassures her again that she can quit anytime if she doesn’t like it, and pressures her to accept the 3 month trial. She can cancel any time! It’s a forty dollar value!

They start on the main course and start discussing the Rules. Ana won’t agree to either eat, or sleep. She won’t agree not to touch him, but he says no and quickly changes the subject to masturbation. He pours on the vampire billionaire charm to distract her.

When that doesn’t work, Christian scolds her over not eating. He’s paid for all this expensive food and she only ate 3 oysters, 4 bites of cod, and one asparagus stalk. HE’S BEEN COUNTING. Ana is shocked. And now that she’s feeling off balance, he offers to peel her out of her dress.

His tactic fails. Instead of being super turned on Ana is upset.

“Christian. You use sex as a weapon. It really isn’t fair.”

Shit! She’s onto you! Abort! Abort! But our Christian doesn’t react in any way that’s sensible, oh God no! He’s kinda turned on by this, so he doubles down on the crazy.

“You’re right, I do.”

He then spends the next page or so trying to pressure Ana into having sex right here in the dining room. Ana refuses, but on a whim decides to fellate an asparagus stalk. Huh. I thought the waiter had cleared their plates already. Christian is sure Ana is about to give in when the waiter shows up. Well, that guy’s on the ‘to kill’ list.
Ana tells him she needs to leave. Christian is frustrated and angry. He tells Ana:

“I don’t want you to go.”

And

“I could make you stay.”

When Ana refuses, he mentions that she would probably make a crappy sub anyway. Still he’d like her to stay and become one. He doesn’t know any other way to love! This is who he is! Can’t you see how broken and vulnerable he is, Ana?! Why are you such a cold bitch!?

He tries to make out with her again, and when she refuses, he calls her ‘impossible’, but agrees to walk her out. He gives her his jacket even though she is only going to be outside long enough for the valet to get her car. He has a minor fit about Ana’s car, which is a bit of a beater, and infuriates Ana further by offering to buy her a new one.

Ana storms off, and Christian doesn’t know what he’s done wrong. He waits until he thinks she is home and the emails her. Then texts. Then emails some more. You know, like sane non-stalkers do…

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Chapter 10 of 50 Shades Runs Cold and Colder

As we open chapter 10 Ana stands, dumbstruck, looking at her ex-boss crumpled on the ground. The Keystone Cops Security Dude Ryan assures her that Jack isn’t dead, just unconscious. Ana is relieved. I’m not sure why. He’s tried to kill her several times and tried to rape her sooo…she’s glad that he is alive to try again another day?

WTF

Suddenly Ana remembers that other people exist. She is worried for Mrs. Jones, the maid. But it’s okay because Mrs. Jones was in the panic room that Ana only just now remembered that they had built. Apparently Christian had it built sometime between their engagement and the wedding, in between books 2 and 3. It’s a good thing Ana remembered it just exactly when it became convenient to the narrative! Phew!

Then Ryan wastes all our time by recapping the events of Jack’s failed plan. If Jack was any kind of supervillain, he’d wake up and fill us in himself. The security guys caught him coming up the service elevator dressed up as a workman. They let Jack in despite seeing right through his lame disguise, because they wanted the opportunity to beat the everliking heck out of him.

Jack’s turned out to be a disappointing super villain, hasn’t he? Like, a Super-Disappointing Villain. Despite talking the Villain-monologue talk, he doesn’t walk the supervillain-diabolical-scheme walk. His evil schemes have been uninspired at best. He sabotaged Christian’s helicopter, but not enough to kill anyone; he set a fire that did minimal damage at Grey Enterprises; and he’s failed at a bargain basement duct-tapey kidnapping attempt. So he’s dealt with without even a formulaic end boss fight. Hmph.

WorstVillainEver

And now Ryan has a problem! One no one could have anticipated! They need to tie Jack up but they have nothing to tie him up with. Well, it’s Anastasia Steele to the rescue! She goes the bedroom and produces cable ties from waaayyyy back in the first book. She rubs her wrists and is happy they aren’t bruised. I’m not sure what the point of that is…in the last bit of sex we actually saw she was tied up with her panties.

Wait

The security team starts to clean up the mess and totally fucks up the crime scene. I’ve been in the same room for enough TV crime dramas to know that this ain’t good. It soon becomes clear that no one is calling the police. So what exactly are they going to do with Jack? Turns out they aren’t sure. Christian’s super expensive crack security team has no plan for this eventuality. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

Ryan tries to call Taylor (who is in New York with Christian) for advice but he isn’t answering. Ana is practically facepalming. Even she realises how dumb this is. She tries to call Christian but he is still not answering: he is giving her the silent treatment.

Ana says fuck it and calls the police. Nothing in particular happens. The police show up, engage in some lukewarm questioning and leave, taking Jack with them. They don’t appear particularly put out that everyone has moved all the evidence and put their grubby hands all over it.

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Ana gets all sad because Christian is mad at her and still giving her the silent treatment. She asks Mrs. Jones to make her a sandwich. Mrs. Jones, the one who was actually home during the attempted kidnapping and subsequent take down. But as usual everything is all about Ana. She doesn’t even bother saying thank you.

The next morning Ana wakes up: Christian is home, still dressed in his formal duds, sitting in a chair glaring at her silently. Welcome home honey! Ana greets him but he refuses to answer, and just downs whatever generic alcohol he is currently drinking.

Ana tries to be all sweet and scared at him, but he just sits there glaring like a little bitch. When he finally deigns to speak, he tells Ana, “I am way, way beyond mad.”
So let me get this straight. Ana went out, against his wishes, and that is the only thing that stopped her from being home for Jack to kidnap. And Christian is angry…at…her. For not getting kidnapped. I guess.

Ana tries to suck up to Christian and sits in his lap. It doesn’t work; he’s still mad, and smells like booze. He reiterates just how fucking furious he is. Ana informs him that she is mad too. He is affronted! Then the Sobbing starts; Ana assures Christian that everyone is A OK, and even better Jack is gone. Christian retorts, “No thanks to you.” Then THEN when Ana rightfully asks what the hell that is supposed to mean, he says he doesn’t want to argue about it.

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Oh yeah you do. That’s what you live for. And seriously, while Ana’s actions didn’t contribute to catching Jack or keeping the maid safe, it did allow for her to NOT BE THERE when shit got real. How was that not helpful?

Who knows? Because they never come back to it in this chapter. Christian tells Ana to go to bed because it’s still early and despite the emotional roller coaster she has just ridden with Christian, Ana falls right back to sleep. She does have time to wonder why they aren’t having sex. Are we in Crazy Town? Oh yeah. We are.

Those two hours that Ana was ordered to sleep just happen to be the two most restful hours of sleep Ana has ever gotten. That makes no fucking sense. She was the almost victim of a failed kidnaping, her crazy rich-enough-to-have-her-rubbed-out-with-no-consequences boyfriend is livid with her and yet she has never slept better?! !!?
!?!?!?!?

I don’t fucking know.

Christian wakes Ana up with orange juice. At least he doesn’t throw it in her face. He sits it nicely on the side table and then heads for the shower. Ana sneaks in and gets all handsy. Christian for the first time ever tells her to lay off. Ana’s various personalities go apeshit, and Ana gets all emo and whispery at him.

“Don’t be mad at me, please.” She whispers. She whispers a lot. But she is dealing with a volatile lunatic here so maybe she’s onto something. Back away slowly Ana; no sudden movements.

Too late. Christian starts spouting more nonsense. He’s mad at Ana because she went out without his permission. Furious. He’s mad because Jack broke in and almost kidnapped her. He’s mad because if Ana did as she was told, she would have been here for the kidnapping. This is the biggie. He’s mad. At Ana. Because he was wrong. That bitch! How dare she!?

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Christian storms out of the shower and locks himself in his office. Ana tells herself that she is going to have to face the consequences of her actions. Like going out with her friend. Okaaayyy… Ana tries to get into Christian’s office and he gives her the cold shoulder, and kicks her out.

She’s super late for work, but she takes the time to grovel at Christian’s feet. She is sure she is in the right, but she needs to manage Christian’s emotions. She asks if she can drive to work knowing he will say no, so that she can sweetly agree. She’s trying to get on his not-dump-the-bodies-in-the-bay-at-their-new-house side.

Taylor drives her to work and Prescott, the female bodyguard who Ana hates (surprise!) guards her during the work day. And what does Ana think to herself when this is all over? She doesn’t think to herself, “Man, this asshole is straight up cray-cray.” Nope. She thinks, “At least he’s letting me go to work.”

Crazy

At work, Ana’s assistant Elizabeth shows up to get the gossip, since Christian is famous enough that the break-in is in the society pages. But Ana isn’t talking. Ana exchanges a couple of terse emails with Christian and the she realises something. Christian must have flown back from New York BEFORE he heard about the break-in. Sooo he flew home cutting short his super important billionaire business because Ana went out for drinks.

Now that she is out of his clutches, Ana feels safe enough to tell Christian off. She tells Christian that she might have stayed home if he had actually told her that the entire family was under triple security. And if he had told her that it was the result of actual threats they found on Jack’s computer. But she had to find these things out from Kate after they were already out. She further tells him that if he treats her like a naughty child she is going to act like one.

Christian responds with a terse email insisting that they will talk about it at home.
Well…they don’t.

Ana gets home, all keyed up and anticipating a huge fight. Christian, who has been running cold all day is suddenly running hot. Bow chicka bow bow… He greets Ana in the pants that Ana likes best. His sexy-times pants.

Punch

But Christian knows. Oh. He knows.

“Good evening Mrs. Grey…” Christian says softly…”Good to have you home. I’ve been waiting for you.”

Yeah. That’s a healthy resolution to this situation. If this is going to lead into the only BDSM in this book I am going to be fucking disappointed. Not surprised. But disappointed.

I’m done.

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Anastasia Steele and the Boring Boringness of Being Boring

Chapter 10 is weird. It wasn’t any shorter than the other chapters, but there were so few actual things that happened. Here’s the short version: our crappy couple, Asstian, wraps up the boat ride and they sail back to the marina. They have supper and then get the all clear to go back to Christian’s apartment. Finally, they have an argument and play pool.

Can we just forget Chapter 10 ever happened? It is pretty forgettable.

The long version starts off with Christian and Ana relaxing in bed. With sexy time over, Christian remembers his boat guy, who sailed off on his own so they could sex it up in peace.

“Mac will be back soon,” he murmurs sexfully.

Oh yeah! They’d better get dressed and presentable!

They make the exact opposite of witty banter, and complement each other heavily. Character Ana tells Christian how sexy he is, and Narrator Ana says I smack my lips appreciatively. I don’t even know how to mock that, because what does it even mean? Does one smack ones lips in appreciation? Is that a thing now? I think I need a how-to video on smacking my lips appreciatively.

You know, for science.

Ana reminds us *again* that they are no longer having filthy sinful sex. Now that love is on the table they are making sweet sweet love. Christian tells Ana there is a shower if she wants to wash her filthy self, and Ana reflects on how different and nurturing he acts now that they are in looooovvve. Nope. That’s how he’s always acted.

There’s some clichéd banter and a little playful grab-ass before Christian heads back above deck, and leaves Ana to her ‘scattered thoughts’. If we can properly call them thoughts.

As they day wears on, they both get kinda cranky and start snapping at each other. Fun! Ana wonders if she could ever leave Christian, “now that he’s admitted he loves me?” She decides that, no, she can’t. Even if he beats her, leaving would be a betrayal of his love.

And the beating totally wouldn’t be any kind of betrayal of anyone? Apparently not.

Christian tells Ana more about the boat and even gives her a tour, but since she has no knowledge of boats, she doesn’t bother to listen and instead hits us over the head with the THEY HAVE JUST MADE SWEET LOVE hammer. In case we had forgotten. She further muses that Christian must be a superlative lover, even though she has no basis for comparison.

Christian quotes her a line from The Little Prince about sailing. Look how cultured and mature he is, he quotes children’s books! I mean, I quote children’s books, but I’m not pretending to be mature and cultured. So there. Nyah! Ana doesn’t recognize it, but still tells Christian that she ‘adores’ The Little Prince. You know, after he tells her that it is from the Little Prince. Sure lady.

They get back to the marina, and Ana makes a huge fuss about how well Christian parks his boat. In fact, she claims a crowd gathers just to watch. He’s some kind of boat parking God. He is Parker the Great and Terrible. Fear him!

They never do explain what the crowd is there for. I assume it’s an army of Christian’s hired people, waiting there to hose down the boat with bleach now that Christian and Ana have soiled it with their filthy sinning.

We’re told that Christian’s apartment is now safe (crazy-plot-device ex is not there. For realz this time) so our couple prepare to head back. Ana asks about their luggage at the hotel, and is flabbergasted that Taylor has already gotten it. Even Christian is a bit pissed this time. He reminds Ana that it is TAYLOR’S JOB to do stuff for Christian. But once again, Ana can’t quite believe that people might do their jobs. We’ve seen her easy breezy work ethic previously, so her attitude is not surprising.

Suddenly, all this talk of Taylor and doing his job makes Christian inexplicably jealous. Christian sulks, and Ana tells him to grow up. They snap at each other awhile longer, boring us to tears in the process.

They finally, FINALLY leave the marina (one assumes they’ve been arguing in front of the crowd that gathered to watch Christian park) and head out for supper at Conveniently Located Next to the Parking Lot Bistro.

Ana gets all goggle-eyed over the décor, and tells us that there is a large photograph, “serving as a mural” on the wall. Does that make any sense to anyone else? Photos and murals are two different things. A photo serves as a photo. Why wouldn’t you just say there was a big-ass photograph on the wall and leave it at that?

Over dinner, things just get weirder. Ana grills Christian as to why he has no friends. It turns out his only friend is Mrs. Robinson, who Ana calls “the bitch-troll.” Well, now they are both good and angry. They order risotto. Then Ana decides that, since Christian is in a talkative mood, she ought to take advantage of it. They get all emo and feelsy at each other, which, frankly is just annoying at this point.

Now here’s where the crazy gets dialed way up to 11. Ana is worried that Christian will want to beat her again, and he confirms that, yes, he does in fact enjoy controlling and punishing her. BUT he promises to control himself and Ana…Ana is…upset. Upset. Two seconds ago she felt the exact opposite. Here’s an artist’s conception of me reading this:

 

But I don’t want you to stop beating me! She yells, I just want to bitch and throw a fit when you do it! Well, that’s not exactly what she says, but that’s the gist of it. Seriously. Christian is understandably confused as Ana tries to convince him that maybe he should beat her just a little, you know, to let off steam. Holy mixed messages Batman. Ana has no fucking idea what she wants. Christian tells her to hold her horses, as it’s only been one weekend since they got back together. They can work up to full-on beatings later.

Good idea.

Then suddenly, bruschetta bread and boring travel conversation happen, and then lunch is over. Ana assures us that the meal was both tasty AND filling as they drive home, but we just have to take her word for it.

She muses that Christian is still hiding something from her. Something important! And highly dramatic! I can’t wait to find out what it is! Not really. I could die happily never knowing what bullshit secret Christian is hiding. If it turns out to be anything at all.

They get back to the Escala where Christian lives, and make out in the elevator. Taylor meets them at the top, and Christian is enraged – fucking livid – when Ana makes vaguely suggestive small talk with Taylor. Christian forbids the staff from talking to Ana and Ana from talking to them other than to give orders or exchange information.

Ana apologises. She apologises for making breezy small talk with Taylor.

Then Ana heads upstairs to find clothes for work. Remember her job? It’s the one where she emails Christian all day but can’t be fired because he owns the company! When she gets to her room OMG her clothes are all gone! Her first thought is that Christian threw them all away. That’s her first thought. That’s how you know it’s a healthy relationship.

It turns out to be nothing. Again. Is it too much to ask, that just once, it turns out to be SOMETHING? Anything? But no. Christian just moved Ana’s things into his bedroom. They are in real actual love now, so its ok if they share a room, and not just get together for sex.

Still, they are both spoiling for a fight, and quickly find something else to be mad about. Ana mentions work, and Christian forbids her from working “for her safety.” Ana is furious that he is so controlling, and Christian is furious that she is so cavalier about her safety. Aren’t they perfect for each other? They are.

Christian threatens to hold Ana hostage until it is safe. Let me repeat that. He will hold her hostage until he decides it is safe. Ana realises that he could totally do that, so she decides to compromise – Ana will be allowed to work, but she must have a body guard at all times.

Then the kidnapping threats are forgotten almost immediately, as Christian takes Ana on a proper tour of his apartment. I guess Ana can only focus on one thing at a time. Look Ana! Shiny!

Ana is shocked that Taylor and the maid each have mini apartments to live in. Where did she think they stayed? In closets? Under the kitchen counters? Did she think they commute in from Narnia every day? I get that Ana is supposed to be innocent and all, but she really doesn’t even think about other people AT ALL.

The tour ends in the Beauty and the Beast Memorial Library, which we’ve already seen. Our crappy couple decide to play pool. Ana fancies herself a pool shark and challenges Christian to a game. They make a bet. A sexy bet. If Ana wins, she gets a spanking and sex in the playroom (because we know how she loooooved that the first time). If Christian wins, he gets his choice of rewards. They both make a big show of unnecessary bending and stretching, and eventually Christian is about to take the last shot. His prize? Spanking and sex RIGHT HERE! Ana is aghast as we fade to black. But Ana, LOVE IS ON THE TABLE!

Kill me.

Chapter 10 of 50 Shades is Full of Soy and Fillers. Like Wieners. I Said Wiener. Wiener, Wiener, Wiener.

Chapter 10 is a whole lot of filler. Like soy. Or sawdust. And just as enticing. Ugh. Sooo when we left off in Chapter 9, our crappy couple had very nearly been caught in the act by Christian’s mother. In this chapter we get to meet aforementioned mother. Racy! Not at all tedious!

Christian insists that Ana wear his clothes to meet his mom, since Ana has no clean clothes. In the end, she just puts her gross dirty clothes back on but decides to wear Christian’s underwear. So I’m thinking, either Christian is waaayyyy skinnier that I’d thought or Ana is much, much fatter. She fits into Christian’s underwear. The author doesn’t say its way too big. Soooo, yeah.

Ana looks in the mirror, ties back her hair (has she never heard of conditioner?) and calls herself a ho for good measure. Then it’s off to meet mumsy. And to find out that Ana is the trivial psychic! Christian introduces his mom as Grace Trevelyan-Grey. But Ana immediately calls her Doctor Grey. How does she know? Did this ever come up? Do I care enough to page back and check?*

They make boring small talk until Ana’s phone rings and she wanders off to answer it. It’s Jose! Remember him? I didn’t think so. He’s called to apologise for trying to kiss Ana at the bar. Guess what Jose?

Spongebob - NObody cares

I think a love triangle is trying to be set up here, but Ana has made it clear that she has no feelings for Jose, and we haven’t seen enough of Jose to care what he thinks. So…at this point I’m not even sure what this is here for. To provide proper pacing between the sex scenes? To pad out the book so it hits the minimum word count?

Christian’s mom excuses herself and then Christian makes some more businessy-type calls. I’ll be very surprised if these are here for a reason. You know, other than to pad out the word count. I can see the letter from the mucky-mucks at Vintage now: “Great work, but needs more stuff between the sex.”

Christian finally gives Ana a copy of The Contract to mull over, and tells her to look up BDSM on the internet. Ana claims she doesn’t have a computer. She just finished university. She doesn’t have a computer. It’s 2012. She doesn’t have a computer. Have I said that already? Because Ana does not have a computer. Is she a hillbilly? Everyone in the Western world has a computer.

Then Christian drives Ana home in what I imagine is an impressively expensive car. Every car is a just a metal nausea generator to me so really I have to take that on faith. On the way, they go to a restaurant where you have to eat whatever they give you! Surprise-a-licious! And what scintillating dinner conversation! They talk about Christian’s mother. And how she thinks Christian is gay. Oh Christian!  Sweetie, honey, baby. If your mom thinks you’re gay, it isn’t because she hasn’t seen you with a girl. It’s because you are gay. You just don’t know it yet. Also – his mom is a homophobe too! Nice. That’s where he gets it.

Then Christian reveals that he was ‘seduced’ by one of his mother’s friends when he was 15. He calls it seduction, Ana calls it sexual abuse. I’m assuming it’s supposed to make Christian seem more sympathetic, but really it just makes him ickier. It’s more of that hackneyed sad-broken-man-child fixed by sweet-virginal-virgin action. Heaven forbid that two relatively mentally stable, consenting equals have sex. What possible fun could that be? Everyone knows sex is more fun and more acceptable if a woman only does it to try and help her poor sad man-child! Mysogynisty-goodness!

They drive the rest of the way back home and agree to meet again Wednesday. Back at home Ana tried to tell Kate as little as possible since she signed that Non-Disclosure Agreement. She makes a mental note to look up the penalty for breaching the NDA. Where? She doesn’t have a computer. You know where she might start? In the actual contract. That she signed. Without reading. Crazy, non? The contract has a whole section devoted to what happens if you breach it. Every contract does.

To avoid giving away any more than she has to, Ana distracts Kate with supper plans. Shiny! Ana starts cooking and claims that 45 minutes later they eat her special lasagna. Special as in “three-quarters cooked frozen lasagna”? Because lasagna takes forever to assemble and at least an hour to cook. Call me skeptical here.

Ana spends her evening putting off Kate, putting off Jose, who keeps calling like a creepy stalker (apparently E. L. James thinks creepy stalkers are HAWT), and putting off reading the contract. We end off with Ana finally opening the contract. At least she plans to read this one. Will she be shocked? Titillated? Confused? Will her brain explode? Does she even have a brain? Do I even care?

You’ll have to wait for the next chapter to find out. ‘Cuz you sure ain’t gonna read it yourself.

 

*No. I do not.