Thursday, May 26, 2011: High Quality, Uncut Nope

I have no desire to summarise this chapter at all: it’s full of high quality uncut nope. It starts as Christian wakes up from one of his many nightmares where he is left alone by his mother and has to eat mouldy cheese.

I hate my dreams, Christian informs us, just in case we were morons and didn’t understand THE POINT.

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He checks frantically for email from Ana but she hasn’t sent one. He goes for a run, but still no email. He sends her some frantic texts. He has breakfast: no email. He’s freaking the fuck out.

Never mind that he’ll see her in just a couple of hours at her graduation ceremony (he’s the guest speaker) he is convinced that she is dead. DEAD. Okay, she went home, slept, and then had to get ready for graduation. She’s probably a little bit busy. But since Christian can’t think farther than his own dick, he just doesn’t get what is happening.

By the time 9:30 am rolls around he is angry, decides Ana is just being rude and starts calling her. No answer. He checks his email again, but only has email from his irritating sister, who he has agreed to pick up at the airport next Sunday. He calls Ana again.

Still no fucking answer!

Christian is furious now. He puts on the tie, the sexy tie. He is going to send a message to Ana. A sexy message.

We cut ahead to the graduation ceremony, the sexy graduation ceremony, where Christian runs into Kate with whom he has the standard cold reaction. He hates Kate. Hates her. For no real reason either. He pumps Kate for information about Ana, and it turns out she’s not dead after all! Thank God.

However, this just makes Christian angrier. I mean, if she was dead at least that would be a sort of excuse for not responding to his copious emails, texts and voice mails.

I just want to stop right here and point out that it has been less than 12 hours since they parted for the night. And Christian has already gone full batshit.

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He gives a drawn out speech about eradicating hunger and arable technology. It’s super boring and almost entirely content-free. Afterwards Christian sulks his way through handing out the degrees so he can finally confront Ana during her big moment. No one, BUT NO ONE has moments except Christian.

Christian holds up the line, and the S through Z graduates jostle each other impatiently while Christian demands to know why Ana didn’t answer him sooner. Ana gives him a non-answer and eventually he has to let her go, since everyone else is waiting. He informs her that they are going to continue this conversation later.

After the ceremony Christian tracks Ana down and locks her into a locker room with him. Then he demands to know why she hasn’t answered him. She tells him she hasn’t checked her phone or computer, what with her graduation being today. He’s still mad, but now he pretends to be mad about her car. He starts screaming about how unsafe it is. Just like any non-crazy, concerned boyfriend might do.

normal

Christian finally lets Ana out when she mentions that her stepdad will be looking for her. But he lets her out on the condition that she sign the contract or not by tomorrow. No more thinking about it. Thinking is hard! And not sexy.

Later at the reception, Christian charms Ana’s stepdad with talk of fishing. For a whole page. We get to hear about fishing for an entire gripping page. It’s interesting to note that Ana’s own mom couldn’t be bothered to show up for her graduation.

When Ray heads up the yellow brick road to take the whiz, Christian and Ana play a little grabass. Christian wheedles some more to convince Ana into the relationship he wants. Ana tells him she wants “more.” Christian refuses. No romance, no boyfriendy stuff, no hearts and flowers. But Ana doesn’t know if she wants that kind of relationship.

“You don’t know much.”

That’s Christian’s response.

amazing

But I guess it works because Ana reluctantly agrees. Christian, having gotten his way, is suddenly all business again, and goes off to do all the obligatory handshaking and socialising required by occasion. They agree to meet that very night to seal the deal.

Once on his own Christian despairs that every sub he ever had falls in love with him and wants to set up household in his life. It’s sooooo tiresome. But Ana is different. She’s such a pure, good Madonna-esque figure that Christian just might consider being a nicer person just for the privilege of basking in her light.

Ana emails and they agree to meet that very evening to discuss matters. Christian zooms over with booze and condoms in case he ‘gets lucky.’ Ana is surprised that champagne can be pink, and gives Christian the hairy eye.

She knows I’m plying her with alcohol.

Yup. It’s nice that he can at least admit it.

They make small talk during which Christian lies about being too busy to help Ana move on Sunday. He would totally help, but he’s just got this thing to attend to…it’s super important.

So they get wasted and talk terms. Christian threatens to spank Ana. Ana vetoes nearly everything in the contract but Christian only allows her to make fisting a hard limit. Every time Ana says she doesn’t want to do whatever thing it is – anal sex, bondage, being gagged – he assures her that she really does want to do those things but she just needs to work up to it. It’s a good thing Christian knows what Ana wants because Ana sure as hell doesn’t seem to know.

All this sexy talk gets Christian all turned on, and he tells her to hurry it up so they can screw. Ana is reluctant but Christian dangles the possibility of “more” in front of her like a carrot to urge her on. If she agrees to be his unwilling sub for several days a week, then he will be her unwilling boyfriend perhaps one night a week.

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Before they have sex Christian takes Ana outside and gives her a new car. She’s furious and demands he return it. Christian explicitly tells her that if she wants him as a pretend boyfriend one day a week, then this is the price. They both head to the bedroom angry.

Then they have sexy sexy sex, which is kind of gross but whatever. Ana is a little afraid of Christian, and Christian is, I don’t know, just plain nuts. Christian’s first act as a Dom is to let Ana do whatever she wants, and take control of the situation. Is…is that…usual? I don’t even know.

Christian then spends some time crowing about how all Ana’s orgasms belong to him. That’s the wording he uses. Ana shamefully admits that she had an orgasm in her sleep. She is afraid that Christian will be angry at her. For something she has zero control over.

Christian gets up to leave because sexy time is over. Ana threatens to string him along by not officially signing the contract. Christian threatens to kidnap her and keep her as a sex slave. Because he’s filthy rich and who is going to stop him?

Christian is mad and turned on now, and uses a flimsy pretext to spank Ana and have sex again. He mentions how mad he is that she asked (waaaay back in chapter one) if he was gay. He’s going to beat her for that. Like any sensible person would. Obviously.

How gross is that? Who thinks that sentiment is okay?

Yourideasarebad

Then they have sex and all appears to be well as far as Christian can tell. He goes home and they immediately start the email train back up. Choo! Choo! Suddenly Ana gets sullen and tells Christian that she doesn’t like him anymore.

And that’s how we end the chapter.

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Ch. 11 of 50 Shades Freed Takes Us Through The Sea of Insanity to Disappointment Island

So, yeah. I am disappointed.

Not surprised.

Just disappointed.

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Christian is mad. He’s angry. He’s fucking livid. He’s mad at Ana for disobeying him, or for not getting kidnapped or whatever. But he promises Ana (via email) that they will talk when Ana gets home from work.

Ana gets home and finds Christian decked out in his sexy time jeans, and clearly not intending to talk. Sure I get that this is a sexy book, but this isn’t sexy. He’s clearly still mad, and Ana is scared and confused. Ana guesses that he is wearing his sexy jeans to throw her off balance, and win whatever argument they are going to have. Christian is so mad that he has printed Ana’s email from the last chapter and shoves it in her face.

“I understand you have issues, Mrs. Grey…So do I.”

That’s an understatement. Do they ever have issues.

Issues

Ana refuses to back down from the argument but she does take a step back from Christian just in case he gets handsy. She’s still whispering by the way, this whole conversation has been whispered. Ana whisper-asks him why he flew home.

Christian replies that she knows damn well why he flew home – because she disobeyed him and went out with Kate. Ana is aghast even though this is exactly what she already thought. She chides him for cancelling a business trip to come home and micromanage her social life. She also tells him that she is NOT A CHILD (this becomes relevant later) and she can change her mind if she wants.

Faced with that kind of rare sense-making coming from Ana, Christian changes his tune and sputters that at least she could have told him because he was worried. So first the problem was her disobeying, and when she points out that she doesn’t have to obey him then the problem is that she didn’t inform him of the change.

Ana goes on to point out that her ‘disobedience’ stopped her from being there when Jack tried to kidnap her. Christian gets all emo. He’s not just mad because she disobeyed him, he’s like double mad because she showed him up by being right about going out. That bitch! Christian cries and hugs her and wails about dying a thousand deaths without her. He actually says that.

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Then Christian tells her that he was so mad that he wanted to punish her for making him angry but he didn’t trust himself to stop hurting her. But it’s okay now because he doesn’t want to beat the hell out of her anymore. And that, my friends, is supposed to be an improvement.

Then things get even weirder. I mean things were already pretty mental and abusive but now they get downright cray cray. Ana tells Christian that he would never hurt her. He insists that OH BABY he wanted to hurt her. I’m going to quote here so you see just how nuts this gets.

Ana says: “No you didn’t. You just thought you did.”

What

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The Actual

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Fuck

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Christian, naturally, isn’t convinced. But Ana goes on to explain how he always feels bad after injuring her (she reminds him of how bad he felt after bruising her wrists on their honeymoon). So, Ana concludes, he can prevent those bad feelings by not doing the actions that cause those feelings.

Christian is apparently some kind of logic hating robot and her weird leaps of logic break his poor android brain. He goes all limp and quiet. Ana is suddenly sorry for making him mad in the first place.

What

And then everything is good again. They make out for a while, and then Ana gets back to business. Buuuut…Christian wants to have sex. Ana tries to talk to him and he keeps bugging. Finally he sighs and gives in. Fine! They can talk.

Ana starts to ask Christian why he doesn’t tell her anything. He declares that he only wants to protect her and then there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth as she tries to get anything beyond that out of him. He dramatically puts his head in his hands.

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Christian finally spills the deets about what was on Jack’s computer. Sort of. Jack’s computer was full of what Christian thought was a normal, non-threatening obsession with his life. After all Christian is a famous billionaire, he expects people to have unhealthy obsessions with him.

But, he tells Ana, shit got real when Jack tried to burn down Christian’s building or

Or what?!

And then Ana’s stomach growls.

Squirrel

Distracting!

We all know how Christian feels about Ana missing a meal. Christian blindfolds Ana and makes her sit on the chair while he feeds her like a tiny baby. Christian swears that he can cook, but all he does is stick some leftovers in the microwave and burn himself in the process.

The whole I-swear-its-sexy-and-totally-not-degrading feeding thing goes on for pages. Ana tries to get Christian to talk again, but he refuses because he needs to play head games first. This nutter-butter feeding scene goes on and on with cheap innuendoes and a heaping helping of the characters saying the title of the book. Because that’s Ana’s nickname for Christian: 50 Shades.

After the meal, Ana tries to talk again, but Christian isn’t done with the head games. Not by a long shot. He insists they go to the playroom, and asks Ana is she is up for a challenge.

“Bring it on,” she actually, seriously says.

Then she tells us that desire and “something that I don’t want to name” is thrumming through her body. What does that even mean? What’s the other thing? Voldemort?! Is she being possessed by He-who-must-not-be-named?

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Christian picks Ana up (since she’s still blindfolded) and carries her to the playroom. He makes sure to mention that she has lost weight. So he makes snide remarks when she gains weight and snide remarks when she loses weight. And both times it was not even enough for Ana to notice. Nice guy.

So they go into the playroom and Ana strips off. She sticks her hand down Christian’s pants but sweet God they don’t say that in so many words! God no! It’s all vague talk about Christian’s open fly and his ‘happy trail’ which seems to mean pubic hair, but one can never be sure.

Christian re-blindfolds Ana and then straps her to some kind of wooden cross. You could choose to view it as Ana making the ultimate sacrifice to redeem her relationship, but really its just a cross that she gets strapped to because Christian is an asshat.

She hears him rummage through the drawers and wonders if it is the “butt drawer.” She also wonders what is unsettling her about this situation. Something isn’t right but she just can’t put her finger on it. Gee, I don’t know Ana, a crazy violent abusive billionaire has you cuffed to a wooden cross and has given the witnesses, er, staff the night off. What could possibly be unsettling about that?

Who’s to say?

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So, very long drawn-out boring story short, Christian spends the next three pages sexually teasing Ana but not letting her have an orgasm. Which, I’m not sure how you’d stop that from happening, but hey, crazier stuff has happened in 50 Shadesland. It’s punctuated with scintillating dialogue like this:

“This is a wand baby. It vibrates.”

Wow.

It becomes clear that Christian is doing this to punish Ana. He tells her it is just as frustrating as having her promise to do one thing and then say another. Well, it is an improvement over beating her to death, which is what he wanted to do this morning.
Ana bursts into tears and then screams out the safe word. By this point I’d forgotten what it was. It was “Red”. Huh. OK. And anyway, I thought they weren’t doing safe words. Christian insisted that those who are in love do not need safe words and they threw out the contract. But okay…

So Christian uncuffs her and she collapses on the bed in a crying heap. Christian is suuuuper sorry now and claims to have gotten caught up in the moment. Ana doesn’t believe him. He tells her that this is normal for BDSM. Which, I doubt. There is nothing normal in this book. At all.

After the tears and the begging for forgiveness Ana agrees to at least tell Christian when she isn’t going to do as she’s told which is…I don’t even know what it is. Christian is all in super-emo-feels-confession-mode so Ana asks him what he meant earlier when talking about Jack.

Turns out that not only did Jack try to burn down the Grey building and kidnap Ana, he is also the one who sabotaged Charlie Tango way back when. OK. That wasn’t a surprise to anyone but Ana. It was pretty clear for the entire book that Jack was responsible but whatever.

Then Christian reveals another surprising surprise! Jack intended to kidnap Ana! Wait. We totally already knew that. Are the main characters brain damaged?

Then a third and final surprise comes. One that no one could have expected because it’s pretty clear that it was made up out of whole cloth because the plot required more conflict. Moar conflict! Christian tells Ana that “Detroit is the connection.” What the fuck could that possibly mean?

You can almost here the dramatic soap opera-y music.

“Ana, I was born in Detroit.”

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Soooo…what? They are brothers? They were at the same orphanage? Jack is the pimp? Is Jack Christian’s mother!?

Oh my God!

I don’t care!

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Chapter 11 and the Way-Too-Longedness

Okay, I’ll say it: Chapter 11 is just too fucking long.

We closed out Chapter 10 with Ana aghast at Christian’s pronouncement that he wants to spank her and then sex her up right on the pool table, if he wins. And of course, he *does* win. Why wouldn’t he?

Christian asks if Ana is going to be a sore loser. Geddit?! Sore? Loser?

Ana answers that it depends how hard he is going to spank her. Can you roll your eyes so hard that your brain twists out of your ears? Is that a thing? Because I might be pretty close here. Their dialogue is SO GROSS! It’s like Captain Hammer is dating himself.

Christian orders Ana to disrobe and she suddenly can’t move. She is, ‘like a complete zombie, my heart pounding, my blood pumping.’ Well, damn! We won’t be having any of those fucked up *incomplete* zombies. And are pounding hearts and pumping blood things that zombies even have? Aren’t they, you know, dead? Either way, it is some gifted prose writing.

Then suddenly, little Miss Mood-a-Minute doesn’t want to be spanked anymore. Remember how she hated spanking? And then last chapter she was mad because she wanted some spanking? Well, now she’s gone over to the anti-spanking camp again. She repeats to herself, this is for him. This is for him.

And she never does take her clothes off. She tells Christian to do it himself, and he obliges, with so much Zapp Brannigan level sexy banter.

Christian then picks up a ruler and menaces Ana with it. She soaks her panties and marvels how much she loves this man. Because it’s only the love that makes it sexy. Christian takes off Ana’s panties and kisses her “there.” I’m serious. “There.” Can I point out that we are two hundred and forty-two pages into the second book of the sex trilogy of the decade and we are still calling Ana’s lady garden a “there.”

Then they talk about the safe word. Christian insists that Ana tell him if he is too rough and Ana is confused about why he confirms this several times. Oh, Ana, you really are our special little bunny, aren’t you? First, Ana isn’t very bright, so it’s likely best for him to confirm that her consent is a thing and that she can withdraw that consent at any time. Second, last time this happened, she refused to use the safe word and then broke up with him because he was too rough.

Then a weird thing happens. I mean, weirder than normal. At this point it’s just one more weird drop lost in a vast sea of what-the-fuck. But you see where I’m going. Christian announces that there will be no safe word. Ana should just tell him to stop, because they are in love now and people who are in love do not need safe words.

You know, unless they are into that sort of thing. Which they are. Ostensibly. So, all you deviants and perverts out there, be warned that you cannot really be in love with your partner, properly in love, if you engage in any play that requires a safe word. I hope I cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

Straightedge walrus DISAPPROVES OF YOUR LIFE CHOICES - Straightedge walrus DISAPPROVES OF YOUR LIFE CHOICES  Judgmental Walrus

Seriously though, how fucking insulting is that?

Ana, now naked, is briefly scared that the pool cue from last chapter is going to get involved somehow, but other than a few waggled eyebrows, nothing comes of it. She is still afraid, but now that she is innnnn looooove she is more than happy to indulge Christian’s urge to dole out punishment, even though she doesn’t like it. Except that she does. Except when she doesn’t.

Christian forces her to try to play pool naked, while he spanks her and insults her playing ability. Ana’s personalities go through their various exercise routines at the mere thought of this situation. After warming up, the Inner Goddess personality tangos around the room with a rose between her teeth. Maybe Ana, maybe you ought to pay attention to the sex? Hey? Ana? ANA!

Ana consistently misses her shots, because it’s not easy to play pool while having sex. Christian tells her that if she misses again he will let her have it. Ana wonders, “What? Have what?

OH COME THE FUCK ON! Are you really that goddamn stupid? What could this possibly mean, this ‘let me have it’? It’s like she’s an alien who doesn’t understand figures of speech spending its first day in a human body. And to make it worse, she only thinks it, so it isn’t her playing coy for Christian’s benefit. It’s real.

Christian then spanks Ana with the ruler until she tells him not to anymore. Which she actually does this time. So, at least there’s that. They then proceed to have boring, normal sex bent over the pool table, and then they lie on the cold floor like the gross pigs they are. Christian orders Ana to take a bath, and it’s really kinda funny that she needs telling. This whole time (they’ve known each other for something like a month), she has only ever taken one bath voluntarily. Sexy!

After the sex, Ana wheedles and pleads for Christian to let her go to work without a body guard. He relents, on the condition that Taylor drops her off and picks her up and she does not leave the building all day. Ana agrees.

The next morning Ana remarks how nice it is to wake up next to Christian on a school day. That’s got to be a mistake. A school day? I feel like this is from the book’s original incarnation as a fanfic and no one caught it. But okay, whatever. Ana gets to work at no particular time, and her leering satyr of a boss does his leering satyr thing. He tells her he has work for her to do. The sexist pig-dog! Work! To do! At work! Well clearly Ana never, because she turns on her computer and spends the rest of the morning emailing Christian.

Christian tells her he had a great weekend and hopes she never leaves him. Ana jumps to the totally unmerited conclusion that Christian wants her to move in. She emails back, and is rudely interrupted by her boss, Jack, and his unrealistic expectation that she will do some work. He invites her to a conference, which Ana is sure is just a cover for him to sexually harass her, but she wants to go anyway.

She asks permission from Christian and he adamantly refuses. Because she needs his permission. Apparently. Ana is furious that Christian is interfering with her career and tells him off. Christian plays the “Oh I trust you, I don’t trust him” card. Which we all know is total bullshit. If only because Ana still wants to go on the trip knowing full well it is just a ploy on Jack’s part. But she still doesn’t get why Christian is mad.

There are just sooo many things wrong with this exchange, I don’t even know whose side I ought to take. I’m starting to wish that crazy ex would show up and just kill them both. Christian solves the problem by changing company policy so that everyone needs his personal permission for work related travel. Ana is furious, and Evil-Jack-Boss is all, ‘Curses! Foiled again!

They email some more, and then agree to talk about it at home. Because Ana ought to, you know, work. Or something. Somewhere in the middle of the whole debacle, Mrs Robinson writes a friendly email asking Ana to lunch. Well, it would be friendly except for the fact that she recently threatened to kill Ana. You know. That whole thing. Ana makes much of the fact that Mrs. Robinson has found her email address somehow, but really, it is probably on the company website.

Ana’s boss sends her out to buy his lunch. She *is* his personal assistant after all, and Ana is still mad at Christian so she breaks her promise not to leave the building. Of course, Christian is spying on her, and is furious about it. Ana wonders how she will cope with someone who controls her every move, but also muses that his creepy brokenness is endearing and sweet in a way. A creepy, broken way.

Back on the work front, Jack asks Ana to stay late and then makes awkward advances at her. She fends him off by revealing that she is dating The Christian Grey and he backs down, because clearly Christian is alpha as fuck. Christian picks Ana up after work, and their argument is forgotten as Ana is just so glad to be back. Ana is glad to relax and forget the drama. Which might I remind you was CAUSED by Christian.

They get home and apparently there is some kind of sexy sexy force field in the elevator. They can both feel it. They say so out loud. Ana describes it as a powerful blue aura. Apparently this is the part of the book where we stop pretending that this is not a Twilight fanfic.

Christian hits the emergency stop button, and they have sex in the elevator. Where there is very probably a camera. I bet the security guy is feeling pretty lucky! Christian grabs Ana’s panties and they ‘disintegrate in his hands.’ Oh. My. God. That’s just so wrong. They…they disintegrate? Just how long has Ana been wearing them?

Christian proclaims, “I am going to take you now.” He sounds so stilted. Christian is, like, the sexiest robot ever.

After the sex they make more stilted robot small talk.

“I need you so much.”
“And I you.”

I can guarantee, Americans doesn’t talk this way.

They have supper and talk more about Christian’s solar powered phone for the poor, which was a wind-up phone the last time we mentioned it. They joke about how Ana is ‘taming’ Christian (totally a thing that happens in real life) and then Ana shamefully admits that her boss was hitting on her. Christian threatens, once again, to fire him. He tells Ana his crazy-stalker controlling behavior is A OK because he is only trying to keep Ana safe. Sure buddy.

Ana agrees to move in with Christian only on the condition that he back the hell off. Christian is conflicted. That’s OK. That’s about the only emotional state he has. They get all emo AGAIN and I kinda want to barf.

Then all of a sudden Taylor comes in and tells Christian that Mrs. Robinson is on her way up. When asked how that is possible, given the crack security team Christian is supposed to have, Taylor just shrugs. You had one job Taylor! One job!

Ana is aghast (she often is) and instead of having Mrs. Robinson escorted out of his extremely private penthouse by his extremely expert security team, Christian is like, Meh, let’s see what happens. No matter that she has threatened to kill Ana at least twice, or that she has gotten past his security three whole times.

We close chapter 11 with the vague hope that Mrs. Robinson will just shoot them all and have done with it. Maybe it’s just me who hopes that.

Chapter 11 of Fifty Shades is Full of Hot, Sexy Contractual Action

No, not really. You should know better by now.

Sooooo. Chapter 11. Yeah…

Chapter 11 is the goddamn contract. Because you know what makes gripping, unputdownable reading? Contracts. I can’t tell you how many blissful hours I’ve spent reading contracts in all their rich pageantry. Oh wait, yes I can. Zero.

There’s a reason no one ever reads contracts, even when it is in their best interest to do so. Because contracts are boring. You can’t even sex up a contract with, well, sex. What can I say about the contract that isn’t dead boring?

Not much.

Despite being in full-on scaldingly boring legalese, the contract doesn’t SAY much of anything. No one is contracting FOR anything. When you make a contract, each party gets something. For instance if you and I contract to sell my house: I get money, and you get my house. Money. House. Exchanged. See? Here nothing is exchanged. Sex for sex? That’s like having a contract that says “I’ll hand you 20 bucks and then you hand it back.”

Which is basically what happens here. Its an agreement, and a set of guidelines, it’s a laundry list of BDSM dos and don’ts, but that’s not so much a contract. Ana, “the Submissive” agrees to submit to a whippings, canings, sexual servicing. Christian, “the Dominant” agrees to dominate in various ways using the aforementioned whips, canes, and sex. It even includes appendices (!) outlining required sleep, permissible food, and required exercise.  Zzzzzzz…

I just have to say: it must take special talent to make BDSM seem so freaking boring.

(The only thing really interesting is this: Ana agrees to be the property of Christian for the duration of this little picnic in the woods. But guess what? You can’t agree to that. You can’t own a human being. Nice try though).

Ana’s poor little brain is completely overloaded by all this. Although I expect contemplating the menu at McDonald’s would be similarly short-circuiting for her. If she was an android, her head would start to smoke right about now. You might want to back away. Just in case.

Then we’re back in to the searing hot sexy action as Christian sends Ana a laptop. Because, I may not have mentioned this before, but Ana does not have a computer. And then Ana uses it to email Christian long, torrid, sexy emails. Ha! Not really. They send curt, and frankly boring emails, which I’m assuming are meant to be playful.

Then, for no apparent reason, Ana is all buddy-buddy with Jose again. So much so that he doesn’t even believe it. They go for lunch, and walk arm in arm. Run Jose! Run for the hills. The crazy is strong in this one. Though I guess we can’t expect Ana to remember everything that happens to her? There’s only so much room in her little, cobwebby brain.

She goes back home, and exchanges more dull email with Mr. Grey. Christian finally insists that she google BDSM. Sometime later she’s confused and scared and horny. And she’s not really sure why. She “needs time to think.” No honey, you need a brain to think.

And that’s Chapter 11. The whole damn thing.