May 22, 2011: Christian, Ana and the Bathtub of Raging Yeast Infections

Christian wakes up at 3 am feeling like he’s “committed a terrible sin.” Yes. The sin of having consensual sex with an adult woman. Nice attitude. Christian is surprised that having instant access to a sleeping woman is actually pleasant. But the ‘yer a sinner’ part of his mind pipes up and he has a weird Gollum-from-LotR conversation with himself. Eventually his cock casts the tie-breaking vote, by telling him that, yes, this is a good thing.

penis

Christian climbs out of bed and collects all the gross used condoms that he dropped unceremoniously on the floor when they had sex. For a rich guy, he sure is a gross pig. I mean, it’s good that he picked them up eventually but Gawd was it so hard to chuck them in the trash. It’s right there!

Since he’s too horny to sleep, he goes to check his work email, and then to play piano. It wakes up Ana and Christian puts her back to bed, but not before having a flashback to Leila (the sub who later tries to shoot Ana) telling him that he seems ‘melancholy.’

Ana tries to talk to him about his piano playing but he shuts her down by acting like an asshole about it. He snaps at her twice in a row, the second time because she isn’t lying down in bed the way he ordered her to. When Ana looks upset and hurt, he is taken aback. Maybe being a total asshat *isn’t* such a great idea.

Obamahatesyou

He offers to lay back down with Ana as long as she doesn’t touch him. It still causes him to flash back to his mother. He remembers her making waffles and bacon. Okay, his mom was a crack whore…do crack whores cook? Are they known for their fine cooking? I’m skeptical, that’s all I’m saying.

Then suddenly its 9 am, which Christian calls ‘late.’ Dude, 9 am is early. Ana is awake and cooking breakfast in the kitchen. Christian goes to the kitchen and muses that Ana is the most uncoordinated person he’s ever seen, but that somehow that is super hawt. It’s funny, she is so uncoordinated, but she fucks like a greased ballerina. Nice character consistency is all I’m saying. They never have a slip up, or a weird sound, and nobody gets poked in the eye with anything. It would go so far toward establishing, and humanising Ana as a character if they did.

Ana has her hair in two little braids, and Christian remarks that the braids aren’t going to protect her. What. The. Hell. Does other people’s hair have defensive qualities? Because mine sure doesn’t. Or does it?

Tangledgif

So…breakfast. Christian gets out orange juice, and coffee, and Twinnings Brand Tea Bags ™ while Ana continues to whisk eggs. She makes a beautiful and delicious breakfast, even though all she does is whisk eggs. She never cooks them, and she doesn’t make anything to go with them. Just whisk and eat. Mmmmmm….Christian is as floored by her prowess in the kitchen as he is with her prowess in bed.

They make awkward small talk about sex, and the contract. Christian mentions ‘oral’ and this is enough to make Ana do a spit take. Tea everywhere. Lord, she’s got some delicate sensibilities. He doesn’t even use the word sex.

Ana asks permission to blab to Kate about the sex, even though she just signed the NDA yesterday. Now that she’s had sex, she wants to talk about it. Christian doesn’t give an outright now, but he reminds us that Kate is screwing Elliot, and for the love of God Elliot must NEVER KNOW that Christian is, you know, doing it.

In fact, none of his family can know that he is…you know

youknow

And on that pathological note, Christian leads Ana off to have a bath. A sexy bath…

Now I want to reiterate that the bath is full. The bath is full. Fully full. This is important later.

In one paragraph, Christian tells us how impressed he is that Ana is so brazen and unafraid standing naked in his bathroom. On the very next page he tells Ana to hold her head high because she ‘has nothing to be ashamed of.” Holy mind games Batman!

Sexy-time-bath goes on for a long time. Christian gets a cloth and lathers it with a ton of soap and then really goes to town on Ana’s vagina with nary a thought to the raging yeast infection she is about to have. I mean, he really gets in there and scrubs the fuck outta that thing. He senses that Ana is nearing orgasm and so, natch, he stops scrubbing.

It’s time for that oral that they talked about earlier! Christian grabs his cock and Ana gobbles it up. Now keep in mind he is still laying in a full tub. He’s not kneeling, he’s not standing. Unless he’s doing some kind of crazy yoga pose, his cock in under the water.

And yet, unfortunately, Ana doesn’t drown. In fact, she gives the best blowjob ever. EVAR!1 With no experience. She’s magic! Maybe her braids give her skills upgrades and not just defensive powers?

They head back to the bedroom for round 2. This is the scene where they whip out THE TIE. The sexy tie. Ana, in her book, lovingly describes it. Christian just ties her up with it.

All through the sex, Christian nags Ana to keep still, because moving around is way gross. Only weirdoes move around. Yuck. He also tells Ana that he doesn’t usually reciprocate oral, but he’s making an exception since she’s been so good. Sweet. Sounds like a winning relationship.

Winner

They finish just in time for Christian’s mom to show up. She is embarrassed but super happy to see Christian with a woman because it means he isn’t gay. And being gay is the worst possible thing for a man to be in 50Shadesland.

Think about that for a minute.

With the mood officially ruined by mom, Christian decides to take Ana out for lunch and then home. Christian gives Ana the contract to look over, and tells her to google everything and not ask Kate for God’s sake. Ana whines and bugs until he changes his mind.

Fine. She can tell Kate.

There’s an awkward moment where Ana blurts out that she can’t google sweet fuck all because she doesn’t have a computer. After briefly wondering what century she warped in from, Christian makes some calls and has one sent to her house.

They go to a fancy restaurant where you have to eat whatever they serve you. Hope you aren’t allergic Ana! Over lunch they make even more awkward small talk until I want to stab my eyes out. They rehash the ‘gay issue’ and honestly, I wish they’d fucking drop it. They make a huge scandalous deal out of it. Just stop. Fucking Just Stop.

eyeballs

Eventually Christian drops Ana off at home. As soon as she gets out of the car she drops her drawers and shows him that she stole his underwear. You found a keeper Christian. So yeah.

Back at home, Christian does some busywork and then sends Ana an email. The emailnado starts now. Be prepared.

Emails are coming.

braceyouself

Advertisements

Chapter 7 of 50 Shades Freed Proves That Thinking is Hard

The jokes write themselves as we open chapter 7.

“You think?” Christian asks, surprised.

Ana doesn’t think. I’m pretty sure there’s a rusty hamster wheel inside her head with a sad little hamster skeleton. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if Christian thinks either.

So yeah. Christian is actually referring to the revealing revelation that it is Jack Man: the Half-Assed Avenger who in fact set the fire at Grey enterprises: the one that wrecked their honeymoon. So Christian asks if Ana is sure. She *is* sure; she knows what her boss looks like. Christian is angry – ANGRY – that Ana can both recognise and describe him. He snarkily comments that she has spent altogether too much time looking at her former boss.

Not the time to be jealous and petty Christian – we’re trying to solve a mystery here. But au contraire! It is always the right time to be jealous and petty in Crazy Boyfriendia. Or I guess I should say Crazy Husbandia now, since they are totes married. Duuude.

Ana is grateful that Barney, the head Keystone Cop, interrupts Christian’s little snit. They turn their attention back to the security cam footage. Christian and Ana try to puzzle out why anyone, especially Jack, would want to harm them. I’m not kidding. They can’t think of one single event that might have happened which would lead Jack to harbour any ill-will toward the two of them. Not one.

Nothing.

Christian gives up with this futile thinking business with the declaration that, “You just can’t fathom why some people behave the way they do.”

Well, you can’t, but everyone else in the world can.

Christian sends the Keystone Cops off to find Jack and follow him around. Our least fave couple makes out for a bit and then decide that they are hungry. Hungry for…food. Sigh. OK.

Ana heads to the kitchen and dismisses the maid, who is somewhat put off by Ana horning in on her racket. Ana tells us quite meaningfully that she is going to make Christian a sub. Haw Haw! Geddit? A sub…

In case you didn’t, in fact, geddit, Ana hammers home THE MESSAGE thusly: “I frown, struck by what I’ve just said. Does Mrs. Jones understand the inference?”

I don’t know Ana. That was pretty fucking subtle. I imagine Mrs. Jones had to physically restrain herself from facepalming. It only gets better, because as soon as Ana is done insisting that she makes the sandwiches around these parts, she realises she doesn’t know what Christian likes. Like at all. Mrs. Jones tells her Christian will eat anything as long as it is on French bread.

Anything?

So Ana decides on the first two ingredients she can find: ham and avocado. Do those even go together? I’m not convinced. Christian saunters out of the study and is all like, mmmmm subs, my favourite. Yeah. We know.

Dead horse. Status: flogged.

There’s a little sexy grab-ass, some wine and then Christian brings out Gia’s plans for the new house. Ana predictably hates them because Gia is too pretty and it makes her mad. Ana brings up a touchy subject, or rather a hitty, smacky subject. A floggy, handcuffy subject. The 64 thousand dollar question here is…will they be putting a Red Room of Pain into the new house? Will they?! Will they?!

Welllllll…

Christian insists that this will be a family home! So none of that filthy filthy sex we were all promised. The house will contain nothing but the Beige Room of Boredom! And possibly the Eggplant Room of Ennui. Ana is disappointed. As usual, she looooves the Red Room of Pain except when she hates it.

They finish with the plans. Christian wants to head straight to bed but Ana wants to watch TV. Christian is dismissive. TV is for sheeple. Ana is all like, Gawd! I didn’t want to watch TV! I wanted to make out in the TV room.

Christian is confused, because he has never made out, but he’s suddenly up for whatever. He’s a little taken aback and asks Ana if she has ever made out before. He is clearly surprised (and mad! Soooo mad) when she says yes.

OK. When 50 Shades started…waaayyyy back in book one, Ana insisted that she has never had a boyfriend. She has never kissed a boy, and in fact has never so much as held hands with anyone ever. Ever. But now, suddenly she has a parade of teenage crushes. Ana even asks him why he would assume that she had never made out with anyone. Because you fucking said so! That’s why! But both of them seem to have conveniently forgotten this fact. Christian says it is because Ana just, er, seemed so, um, inexperienced. Yeah. That’s why.

 

Christian is furious and literally threatens to beat whoever it is to a pulp for you know, feeling up his wife a decade before he met her. Classy.

Then the chapter takes the express bus to Rapey Town. Christian holds Ana down and insists she describe exactly what she has done and with whom. Christian is angry and turned on, and the whole scene is supposed to be super hot, but it is really uncomfortable to read. Christian basically interrogates Ana while holding her down and feeling her up. It comes off…kinda…gross.

They make out some more, and Christian asks Ana if she knows how hot she is. Sigh. I think we have established that she does not in fact know how hawt she is. NO! A THOUSAND TIMES NO! Why does he keep asking?!

The scintillating dialogue just keeps scint-ing along. Christian declares that he is like a starving man at a buffet. So…? He’s going to stuff himself until he pukes and then die of Refeeding Syndrome? Yeah. That’s a real thing. You’re welcome.

Then Christian strips off Ana’s shirt. Ana informs us that she is naked under her shirt. Oh Ana, we’re all naked under our clothes. Totally naked. Turns out Christian is also naked under his clothes. Whoda thunk it? I can’t tell you how much I laughed at this exchange. It wasn’t even said jokingly. They were serious. We yadda yadda past the sex and then arrive back in time to watch the end of the X-Files with our crappy couple.

I just paged ahead and realised there’s still 20 pages to cover in this chapter. God help me.

Ana makes fun of Christian for being a fan of the X-Files. She tells him it is before her time. Christian admits that this was back when he was a little kid, and muses about how young Ana is. OK. Back up the Dumbhole Express.

1. They are like 6 years apart in age.
2. The story is set in 2012 and he is 28.
3. The X-Files ran until 2002

That makes Christian 18, and Ana 12. So, no. It isn’t before her time, and no, he wasn’t a little kid. Sure, it started almost a decade earlier, but it’s not like some obscure show that ran for a season and got cancelled. Also reruns. This whole conversation that they have is patent nonsense.

They make some boring post-sexy time conversation. Christian bitches about his crappy security team and tells us he thinks it was Jack following them in the car chase, even though his minions think it was a woman in the other car. Ana whines about having to work tomorrow and go back to ‘reality’. Yes, the reality of having a job because your husband owns the company. Christian snaps at Ana for questioning his judgement and then they retire to the bedroom for more sex (which we skip over).

We fade out and then it’s Monday. Ana heads to work in a gaggle of security types. Ana gets updated on all the boring office crap and goes to a meeting. Ana notes that her co-workers are treating her with kid gloves, because now they are all aware that her hubby owns the company. It makes Ana sad and uncomfortable.

Just before the meeting Christian emails to freak out because Ana hasn’t changed her work email to his last name. This becomes a whole thing. He tells her his emails all “bounced’ because he was emailing her new address which doesn’t exist yet. Let’s stop right here. Ana has been at work for like 2 hours. Christian is furious that her email address isn’t updated to reflect her married name, and has sent her multiple MULTIPLE emails. He is furious.

Furious.

Ana tells him she would rather keep her last name at work and they will discuss it after work today. Sounds reasonable right?

Wrong.

Christian bursts into her office and harangues her about changing her name. He even threatens to force her to have sex in her office with everyone listening if she doesn’t comply. She begs him not to do that and eventually she gives in just to get rid of him. As soon as she agrees, he is Mr. Smiley Calmerton again and he leaves as if nothing out of the ordinary just happened.

Before leaving he drops a metaphorical bomb on Ana. Guess what? She really does have the job because he bought the company. Her bosses didn’t want to hire a new person while the company was up for sale so they just hired whoever was closest – Ana. Ana is horrified. But it’s OK, Christian reassures her, because Christian is giving Ana the company for a wedding present. She doesn’t need to have any skills or qualifications – he will let her run it into the ground.

Ana is horrified even more, if that is possible. She tells him he will be a laughingstock, buying a company for the little woman. He doesn’t care. Ana is pissed, sooo pissed. She has asked him repeatedly to let her succeed or fail on her own and he flat out refuses to do that.

After work, Ana is still furious and Christian has no idea why. None. He can’t figure out what thing he might have done recently that she might be angry about. Ana responds by throwing an epic hissy fit, and refusing to eat (which he hates). She tells him to sell the company, but he refuses. Christian interrupts to inform her that it is now time to meet Gia to discuss plans for the house. Ana is incensed: she hates Gia, and is sure Gia is after her man. She goes to put on high heels and slather on some makeup so that she can outshine Gia.

She heads out to the foyer and she and Christian dance – to a requiem. Ana makes a huge deal about this, which makes me think it is supposed to be deep and meaningful. Or something. Then they head off to see Gia, but we are spared that at least because the chapter is finally FINALLY over.

 

Take the Crazy Train to Drama City in Chapter 7 of 50 Shades Darker

So in Chapter 7, Ana dials the BatshitInsanimometer straight up to 11 with this Iiiiiiiinterjection:

“Holy shit, did really I just do that?”

Did you, Ana? Did you?! Yep. You did. And stop blaming it on the champagne, this was all you, baby.

Christian is furious and aroused, and so is Ana. Ana’s multiple personalities are back in full force this chapter. The Subconscious makes ‘The Scream’ faces at her, and The Inner Goddess has taken up figure skating. Apparently.

 

[So, sometime in that blissful period between finishing Chapter 6 and starting Chapter 7, I realised that Ana had a $24K cheque from the sale of her ostensibly classic car, an aging, broken down VW Beetle. I vaguely remember there being drama (quelle surprise), Ana refusing to take the cheque, and at least one full-out fight over it, and honestly I don’t remember what became of it in the end. So there is the distinct possibility that Ana can, in fact, pay for her scandalous bid at the charity auction. And if that’s the case, I don’t know WTF Christian is all mad about.]

Christian threatens to spank Ana and she is all Hoooray, which is weird because the spanking is the reason she left him the first time. She hated it. But now, after some drunken reflection, it’s totally hot. They stare way too long, slurp their lips at each other like the dogs in Lady and the Tramp, and then Christian (ever so discreetly!) takes Ana’s hand and puts it on Mr. Peepee. At the table. In the middle of dinner.

I’m not a prude, so this isn’t really the problem. Get this though: Ana claims he does it sooo slowly and surreptitiously that she doesn’t realise what’s happening until it is too late. Really? What other thing did you imagine your hand was doing in his crotchal area? Honestly woman. Ana darts her eyes around the table, but apparently no one cares that they are practically fucking.

Thank heavens for my mask, Ana thinks. Yeah. That mask isn’t hiding as much as you think. She’s like Clark Kent with those fucking glasses. No one will know my secret now! They are grinding and gasping and panting right at the table, but it’s O-fucking-K because she’s got her fucking mask.

Ana claims to feel his erection growing beneath her fingers. But..but..but it was already erect three paragraphs ago. I’m not sure she understands how these things work. It’s not an erection if it isn’t erect. I’m pretty sure there’s a metapod joke in here someplace…

It’s super effective!

The crowd rudely interrupts their sex play with loud clapping because, thank fucking god, the auction is over. Christian and Ana have to do socially acceptable things with their hands. They get ready to leave for some sexytimes when Christian’s manically cheerful sister, Mia, corners Ana and tells her it’s time for the First Dance Auction.

The First Dance Auction.

Let’s stop here. What do *you*, the reader, think that means? Something about first dances? And auctioning them off? Right?
Okay? Okay.

But Ana haz a dum.

Because Ana gets herded onto stage with a dozen other ladies, including Mia, and then has to have this concept explained to her. Ana blushes, “from head to toe.” She calls it ‘humiliating.’ Mia assures her that Christian won’t let anyone else win a dance with her anyway. He’s pathologically jealous!

Ana argues with herself for a surprisingly long time about whether Christian can or should spend more money to bid on her. She rationalises that it’s for charity. Just like the twenty four thousand dollars he’s already spent. Ha! She forgot the cheque too. Ana *does* think Christian is paying for the weekend Ana won. Ok then. That’s settled.

Ana is further horrified to find that men are lining up to bid on the women on stage. OK Ana, they already explained how the auction works. Do we need to go over it again? The auction goes on for an interminably long time, during which Ana experiences all the various flavours of mortification.

She makes small talk with Mia and finds out that Christian was a problem child until the age of 15 when he suddenly became well behaved. Something creaks into place in Ana’s rusty old brain – that’s just when he met Mrs. Robinson! Now she’s confused, humiliated, and mad. Sweet.

Eventually, Ana is auctioned off at 10 times the price of any other girl. Ana is shocked that someone bids against Christian, and in a lame attempt at drama it is revealed to be Christian’s therapist.

Our crappy couple has some time to kill between the first dance auction and the actual first dance. Christian tells Ana he ‘has to show her something.’ Of course he does. His etchings? What could it be?

Well, I’m stumped.

They fuck off to…Christian’s old bedroom! Eeeeew! His parents have some kind of creepy shrine dedicated to teenage Christian, complete with band posters and ticket stubs so Ana can learn some much needed backstory for God’s sake. The room is tastefully decorated in all white: the only colour rich people like in 50Shadesland.

They then proceed to get it on in typical 50 Shades style. Ana begs Christian to spank her and he refuses because that’s how he rolls. He eventually gives in as long as she remembers to use the safe word. I’m not even sure they ever decided on a safe word. It’s been awhile. Ana notices that the spanking is either fueling her desire or quenching it. She can’t be sure. Let me repeat that. She can’t. Be sure.

It’s one thing or the other, baby. One or the other.

Afterwards, they get dressed without fixing their hair or wondering if they look decent. They go off to the dance which is wave after wave of boring backstory as Ana is forced to dance with Christian’s male relatives and his therapist. The therapist, Dr. Flynn, asks Ana if she is enjoying herself to which she answers, “I was.” Classy.

Ana torments Christian by pretending that the therapist has told her all his secrets in the two or three minutes they were alone together. Christian is predictably hurt and furious and Ana has to tell him she’s just teasing. I’m not sure how he runs a multinational corporation like he claims to do. Of course, his pet project IS a windup cell phone for destitute third world kids, soooo…well you see where I’m going. I’m starting to wonder more and more if his parents aren’t just bankrolling all his expensive failures. Yes, Dear, of course starving kids want wind-up cell phones. You’re a marketing genius.

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/1440609024/h669A3169/

Finally, after champagne, five glasses of wine, sex, and at least four dances, Ana needs to pee. My first thought was to wonder, After all this time? What are they setting her up for? What indeed.

It turns out to be Mrs. Robinson who has snuck past Christian’s bumbling Keystone Cops-style security team, to confront Ana. Ahhhhhh. Now I understand. Time to board the Overdramatic Express straight to Crazytown Station. Mrs. R dearly loves Christian and approves their relationship but if Ana hurts Christian, then Mrs. R will kill her. Ummm…ok. Thanks? Ana is shocked when Mrs. R says Christian loves her. Mrs. R is shocked when Ana calls her a pedophile. They trade insults until Christian gets there. It’s shocking. I guess. If you are a moron.

Ana storms out forcing Christian to choose between her and Mrs. R even though there has been ZERO indication that he has feelings for Mrs. R. Ana is glad that he makes the right choice but still reams him out because she’s just plain nuts. She expects Christian to make a choice but isn’t even sure what that means. What am I asking him to do, she asks us. I don’t know! It’s not a Choose Your Own Adventure book! You are supposed to tell us!

Christian suggests they leave, but instead Ana chooses to stay and pout.

Finally, in the moment I have been waiting for, Christian’s father corners Ana to ask how she’ll pay her twenty-four thousand dollar bid. Ana says she recently came into some money. Or rather, money came into her. Bah-dum tiss! So she does remember that cheque! I can’t even begin to speculate why she thought she was punishing Christian, or why she ‘had gotten away with it’ when it was her damn money.

Daddy Crazybucks drops some more backstory, and becomes one in a long line of Christian’s family members who tell Ana how surprised and glad they are that Christian is capable of having a relationship. Huge Red Flag. When your date’s own parents can’t believe that he is capable of loving anyone but himself, it is time to cut your losses. Run Ana! Run!

Of course, she doesn’t, and we get to spend an entire, agonizing page describing the ritzy high-priced fireworks (all the good kind, and sooo many!) before they finally leave the Convenient Way to Drop Backstory Auction and Pedophile Convention.

In the car, Christian announces that Ana will now be taking birth control shots, and that the doctor will arrive in the morning to administer same. Ana is vaguely mad and then just doesn’t care. This, Ana. This is a thing you can legitimately be mad about. Ana has been angry for most of the chapter over nothing. But this? A OK. I guess she used up her mad quota already?

Then, despite Christian’s crack security team, Mrs. R manages to sneak Ana a personal letter, asking Ana to meet her for lunch and threatening her again for good measure. I’m just…I feel like I’m getting some mixed messages here. Care to meet for lunch and death threats? Ummm…no, I’m good.

Christian assures Ana that he will deal with Mrs. R in the morning. Yay! He’s having her killed! They arrive back at Christian’s penthouse to find that another crazy ex has broken in, and is maybe dun dun dun still there. But maybe not. We don’t know. Ana is left standing in the lobby as the chapter finally, mercifully ends.

I have a monster migraine.

I Read Chapter 7 of Fifty Shades of Grey.

 

Oh God, I am sooo sick of reading this book. I thought this would be a bit of a larf, but it’s getting tortuous. Is it some kind of meta-B&D thing where E.L. James punishes me by flogging me with this book? Am I her bitch? Is she sporting leathers and a whip? I hope so.

This chapter was full of “surprises”. “Surprise” 1: they don’t have sex. “Surprise” 2: the ‘playroom’ didn’t shock or titillate me. Maybe I’m too jaded? It’s more than a remote possibility. At least it was short – only about 10 pages. So, that’s what didn’t happen. Here’s what did:

Ana and Christian check out the ‘playroom’ – it’s burgundy and red and filled with shackles, riding crops, handcuffs, and of course, a red leather bed. Ana asks some basic B&D questions. The kind that any twenty-one year old with google ought already to know. Deep, insightful questions like, “You do this to people?” Sigh. One hopes it’s people.

They then go downstairs to talk, and eat what apparently passes for classy rich-people food these days: a selection of cheeses (of no particular kind), grapes (both red and green!) and some French baguette (as opposed to, say, Guatemalan baguette). They eat, talk and engage in some erotic emotional blackmail. Christian tells Ana she doesn’t have to agree to any of this but if she doesn’t they will have no relationship at all. Nothing screams hot monkey-sex like emotional blackmail! I figure Ana should have walked out at this point, but hey, if you can’t make stupid choices when you’re young, when can you make them? And also, then the book would be over. Then it would only be like 2 ½ Shades of Grey.

After some wine Ana finally mans up and asks him how many women he’s had in his den of mediocrity.  Christian claims to have had 15. Ana is surprised, as she expected more. Really? I totally expected her to be the first one. Christian is such a creeper I don’t think any woman would touch him with a ten foot pole. But again this is fiction, so we’ll let it pass. Fifteen: sure buddy, whatever you say…

Wingus and Dingus then go over the proposed rules of their liaison, as well as a working draft of Christian’s limits. The rules are just kinda dumb. For instance, the only snack Ana can eat is fruit. WTF? Not veg? Not a couple of Ryvitas? What’s the point of that? So her blood sugar can spike and then drop precipitously, sending her into a diabetic coma? And how does he propose to monitor this? They aren’t going to be living together…so sure dude, I’ll sign your contract. <insert eye rolling here>

The draft limits just seem like good sense to me, but Ana is still shock-ified. No animals, or children. No urination, or defection, etc. See? Plain good sense. Christian then tries to get Ana to discuss her limits, whereupon she drops the bomb. She’s never had sex. Christian is angry out of all logical proportion. Why hasn’t she told him this before?! Man, his people skills need some serious polishing if this came as any kind of surprise to him. I’m not sure how he made all his money with absolutely zero ability to read people. Seriously. Zip. Nada. Zilch.

Sooo…? Onward to Chapter eight! Eighth time’s a charm, right? I’m sure this book gets better, right? Right?! Come on, you’re not sounding very positive. I’m starting to worry…