Saturday, May 28, 2011 – Christian Grey and the Day No One Cared About but We Had to Read Anyway

Here’s a super short bonus chapter:  Saturday, May 28, 2011.

Christian picks up his delighted and chattery younger excuse not to help Ana move, er, I mean sister at the airport. Mia chatters about France and cooking school and shopping and all manner of rich girl things. Christian has a flashback about Mia as a baby – which is moderately disturbing since he’s the one driving. Oh well, Mia just keeps on yapping and doesn’t even notice.

In the flashback Christian’s mother lets him hold baby Mia, and he loves her sooooo much that ‘Mia’ is his first word. The montage finishes up as Christian pulls into the driveway of his parents’ mansion, with Mia still talking. Phew! Everybody made it out alive!

Christian helps Mia carry her mountain of luggage into the house. Women! Amirite? Christian is disgusted by the maid, who makes ‘cow eyes’ at him. Women again! Amirite?! Huh? Huh?

amirite

Yeah, maybe Christian is just a gross asshole. It’s more than a remote possibility.

Christian goes to his personal trainer, goes jogging, and texts Elliot to find out Ana and Kate’s new address. He plans to send creepy stalker gifts to Ana, and presumably, dead animals to Kate, whom he hates with the white hot intensity of a thousand spoiled rich kids.

The riding crop, the one Christian ordered in the last chapter arrives. Did I mention that? Ana had a dream about a particular kind of riding crop so Christian ordered it as a surprise. Surprise motherfucker! He has the requisite Zapp Brannigan-esque thoughts, and then gets distracted by a phone call from Elena.

Now that he is totally not in love at all (it’s just an arrangement!) with Ana, for some reason he doesn’t want to talk to his old lover who’s been stringing him along all these years. Huh. Weird.

Then we skip to dinner with Mumsy and Dadsy at the mansion. The whole family gossips about who Christian’s new woman can possibly be. They giggle like school children at Christian’s expense. Gawd. No wonder he didn’t want to tell them about Ana. Elliot even exclaims loudly, “You know she popped his cherry?” Okay, Elliot is an adult man of nearly 30.

ew

It’s also interesting that, not only did his family think he was gay, they thought he was a gay virgin. Soooo…okay.

Elliot tries to stir up trouble by inviting Ana over for dinner at the mansion. Mumsy Grace strikes like a hungry wolverine – she wants to meet this woman! Christian doesn’t really give an answer and excuses himself before things can get weirder.

And that’s all she wrote. That is literally all she wrote.

Friday, May 27, 2011: Christian, Ana and the Emailpocalypse

Friday is a long chapter but it’s mostly content free. So that’s cool. I guess. We ended Thursday on a low note: Christian had just returned from sexing Ana and was thinking everything was hunky dory when Ana surprised him with an email stating that she does not like him anymore. He is devastated. And confused. He’s confusedastated.

Turns out that Ana is just whining. Thusly:

You never stay with me.

And he doesn’t. Christian never stays with anyone, it is beneath him. Human contact is so…gross. But today is different. It’s an extra special red letter day so Christian drives as fast as he can to get to sweet sweet pure Ana.

When he gets there he is surprised that Kate is not happy to see him. He isn’t super perceptive is he? First off Kate hates him. We know that; he knows that. It isn’t a surprise. Second, Ana has been sobbing her eyes out since he left leaving Kate to assume (rightly) that it is because of something Christian did.

But lovable, everyman Christian lives in a world where no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves. He storms in past Kate, saying nothing but inside his head he calls her a harpy, thinks he shouldn’t have to put up with her shit and tells her to fuck off.

asshole

Christian manages to get into Ana’s room and demand to know what the hell the problem is. Ana blubbers like a…uh…something blubbery and Christian feels…bad. He doesn’t normally feel this kind of feels. He’s confused.

Ana tells him how much she didn’t like it, and how gross it made her feel even though it *was* kind of arousing. Christian tells her that it’s nonsense and obviously she liked it and she just needs to stop being a stuck up prude.

Despite having all the delicate finesse of a bull in a china shop, Christian eventually calms her down by agreeing to stay the night. Christian drifts off and has an alternately horrible and wonderful dream about apples, delicious aromatic horrible stinging apples.

Yeah. Christian has a lot of oddly strong feelings revolving around apples.

fetish

They wake up the next morning and Christian and Professor Cockington Junior discuss just how radiant Ana looks in the morning. I have to say Christian’s penis is a lot more personable than he is, and is a lot more agreeable than Ana’s alternate personalities who mostly berated Ana for enjoying life in any way.

Suddenly Christian realises he’s late for a meeting and practically flies out of Ana’s apartment. Turns out everyone else is later than he is anyway, so it doesn’t even matter. He spends the whole meeting pretending to care and pretty openly emailing back and forth with Ana.

Ana is finally convinced that she might have actually liked being spanked, despite no actually having any enjoyment and despite still feeling totally gross about it right now. Christian feels that this is a positive step. He tells her she ought to listen to her body. She responds that her body is telling her to get as far away from him as possible. Christian scoff that he’s filthy rich and would just hunt her down.

creeper

After the meeting Ros (his business partner) gives him an earful about fucking paying attention in meetings and tells him he may have just cost them a huge contract. Christian gives an offhand sorry/not sorry kind of answer and then goes on with his day.

He orders Ana a gynecologist, a blackberry, and a personal shopper. They email some more and agree to meet on Sunday at 1pm. Which is weir because Ana is moving Sunday, so one would think she would be busy. Then he orders wine and balloons as a housewarming present, in lieu of you know, helping them move, or ordering his minions to help her move.

The day seems pretty good, except Ana is not responding to his many many phone calls texts and emails. He starts to freak out and get angry. He emails Ana to tell her that when she says she will call when she gets home from work, he means THE SECOND SHE GETS HOME FROM WORK.

Then for some reason Christian gets all sad that he can’t help Ana move. He is the one who refused! He said no, and not even nicely. So I don’t know what he’s on about now. Just as Christian gets ready to put on some emo music and slit his wrists Ana finally calls.

Christian is furious to find out that Ana finished packing and had Chinese takeout with Jose. You know, the guy actually helping her move? That guy. And not even alone. Kate was there for God’s sake. Then they actually play the “You hang up game.” Like 14 year olds.

It’s totally gross, but at least it ends off the chapter.

hooray

Yay!

Dawn of the First Day – Monday, May 9, 2011

When I heard about Grey a month or so ago, I was actually kind of interested in seeing Christian’s perspective. Now, having read chapter one, I am no longer interested at all. The chapters are arranged by date rather than number so we start off on:

Dawn1

Monday May 9th, 2011

We start with a dream sequence because why not? Christian is well, less than 4, because he’s back with his birth mother. He plays with some toy cars while she ignores him. When he loses one under the couch, she gets mad at him and calls him a maggot. He can see his little car but can never play with it again.

It’s all very dramatic and emo. We’re obviously supposed to feel sorry for Christian, but it fails to conjure any kind of emotion, except maybe mild repugnance that it is such an obvious narrative ploy. And this is coming from a person who cried her fucking face off at Toy Story 3. An animated movie about sentient possibly immortal toys managed to tug at my heartstrings, while this is tugging at, I don’t know, my colon I guess.

Christian wakes up, thinks “WTF?” and promptly forgets about it. He has a busy day of meetings ahead. He puts on his sweaty sweat-sweats and hits the treadmill. He thinks about calling Elena, since she’s his only friend and he’s recently cut loose his latest submissive.

Then we are at Grey’s office and Christian is dismissing his personal trainer, and is pissed that the trainer is better than him at…whatever it is he does…they don’t specify. Christian sits alone in his office and feels boooored. He’s so bored, even the weather is grey.

bored

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING INTERESTING THAT WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN!

Christian sighs as he realises that he has to sit through a student interview with Kate Kavanagh, an interview he only agreed to because he knows Kate’s dad and wants to be owed a favour. It’s made clear that Christian views everything through a transactional lens. He only does anything to get something in return.

Then Ana bursts in the door like Kramer. Christian is annoyed that she is not Kate (what about his favour?), and annoyed that she is clumsy, but he helps her up anyway because it would look bad if he didn’t act vaguely like a human being.

Ana looks at him with her baby blues and suddenly Christian feels “exposed.” He doesn’t like it. So he starts thinking about what she would look like after being caned. He’s known her for all of two seconds and he’s ready to pull out the heavy fuck-tillery.

Ana “gapes” at him, and Christian knows it’s because he’s so fucking beautiful. He thinks, “Yeah, yeah, baby, it’s just a face…

zapp

Gross, right? He muses that she’s too young for his tastes, but Christian is bored and she’s annoying so he decides to have some fun messing with her head.

He’s good people.

Christian pretends he doesn’t know Ana isn’t Kate, forcing her to embarrass herself explaining why she’s here in Kate’s place. He thinks about how ugly and cheap her clothes are, and mentally mocks her poor sense of style. He practically facepalms while she fumbles for an entire page to get her voice recorder set up. Instead of snatching it out of her hands and setting it up himself, he amuses himself by thinking about riding crops, and all the things he is going to do to Ana’s mouth.

Finally, Ana gets her tech shit together and asks him if he minds her recording the interview. Christian has to stop himself from laughing in her face. Why not ask before she spent all that time setting the recorder up? Why indeed.

She starts asking questions and Christian realises that Ana is the worst journalist ever. She knows nothing about him and is reading her questions from a sheet. He’s still pretty annoyed but increasingly distracted by her hotness. Then she asks him if he feels lucky.

Lucky

Well, do you?

No Christian does not feel lucky! He feels livid! He’s fucking furious at her impertinent questions! He worked hard for his success and no one has ever helped him. Not his rich parents, not the elite education they provided him. It was all him, and if he had stayed with his birth mother I’m sure he would have been juuuust as successful.

Uh- huh.

He’s like all the worst parts of Johnny Bravo, Zapp Brannigan, and Scrooge McDuck all rolled into one, with a liberal peppering of Severus Snape for that brooding emo undertone.

Snape

When he calms down from his little tantrum Ana points out that he sounds like a control freak. And since everything she says is an excuse for him to make some kind of gross sexual comment, he says:

“Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele.”

Ana isn’t as impressed by that as Christian had hoped, so he tells her he employs forty thousand people and could destroy their lives at a whim. Ana is shocked and Christian is happy again. If he can’t impress the girl, repulsing her is good enough.

Ana asks if he has any outside interests, and he is all like, Oh baby, you don’t even know about it and imagines her in some kind of sex-dungeon montage. It’s tiresome. Ana pitches softballs (what are his hobbies? Why does he invest in farming?) and Christian gives pat answers while thinking about sex.

The interview goes on like this, all poorly thought out questions and sexual innuendoes until…the question.

THE question.

“Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”

Patrick

Everything comes to a screeching halt. I’m just going to quote the text here because it is its own delightful shit show.

What the hell?

I cannot believe she’s said that out loud! Ironically, the question even my own family will not ask. How dare she! I have a sudden urge to drag her out of her seat, bend her over my knee, spank her, and then fuck her over my desk with her hands tied behind her back. That would answer her ridiculous question.

That’s in there. That’s actually factually what it says. And that, my friends, is why everyone thinks 50 Shades is homophobic. It’s supposed to be 2011 for God’s sake, not 1954. At least he doesn’t verbalise any of this crap. He just answers, that no, he is not gay.

Christian’s secretary knocks on the door just in time to dispel the weirdness in the air – it is time for his next meeting. Christian has her cancel the meeting – he is suddenly desperate for Ana to stay. It’s obvious that Ana doesn’t really like him but he uses his magical billionaire powers to make her be attracted to him. Christian decides it’s time for the smolder.

He is “gratified” when it works.

Christian offers her an internship (he plans on paying her ‘some other way’) but Ana refuses. He offers her a tour of the company, but she refuses that too. He tries every ploy in his book to get her to stay, but Ana makes to leave anyway.

His sexy sex-thoughts having gone into overdrive, Christian tries a desperate last ditch move. He helps her with her coat as a pretense to touch her, and thusly to use his magic sex-telepath powers. It works! She doesn’t stay, but now he’s content to let her leave.

We end the chapter with Christian ordering Welch (the security guy) to run a background check on Anastasia.