May 22, 2011: Christian, Ana and the Bathtub of Raging Yeast Infections

Christian wakes up at 3 am feeling like he’s “committed a terrible sin.” Yes. The sin of having consensual sex with an adult woman. Nice attitude. Christian is surprised that having instant access to a sleeping woman is actually pleasant. But the ‘yer a sinner’ part of his mind pipes up and he has a weird Gollum-from-LotR conversation with himself. Eventually his cock casts the tie-breaking vote, by telling him that, yes, this is a good thing.

penis

Christian climbs out of bed and collects all the gross used condoms that he dropped unceremoniously on the floor when they had sex. For a rich guy, he sure is a gross pig. I mean, it’s good that he picked them up eventually but Gawd was it so hard to chuck them in the trash. It’s right there!

Since he’s too horny to sleep, he goes to check his work email, and then to play piano. It wakes up Ana and Christian puts her back to bed, but not before having a flashback to Leila (the sub who later tries to shoot Ana) telling him that he seems ‘melancholy.’

Ana tries to talk to him about his piano playing but he shuts her down by acting like an asshole about it. He snaps at her twice in a row, the second time because she isn’t lying down in bed the way he ordered her to. When Ana looks upset and hurt, he is taken aback. Maybe being a total asshat *isn’t* such a great idea.

Obamahatesyou

He offers to lay back down with Ana as long as she doesn’t touch him. It still causes him to flash back to his mother. He remembers her making waffles and bacon. Okay, his mom was a crack whore…do crack whores cook? Are they known for their fine cooking? I’m skeptical, that’s all I’m saying.

Then suddenly its 9 am, which Christian calls ‘late.’ Dude, 9 am is early. Ana is awake and cooking breakfast in the kitchen. Christian goes to the kitchen and muses that Ana is the most uncoordinated person he’s ever seen, but that somehow that is super hawt. It’s funny, she is so uncoordinated, but she fucks like a greased ballerina. Nice character consistency is all I’m saying. They never have a slip up, or a weird sound, and nobody gets poked in the eye with anything. It would go so far toward establishing, and humanising Ana as a character if they did.

Ana has her hair in two little braids, and Christian remarks that the braids aren’t going to protect her. What. The. Hell. Does other people’s hair have defensive qualities? Because mine sure doesn’t. Or does it?

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So…breakfast. Christian gets out orange juice, and coffee, and Twinnings Brand Tea Bags ™ while Ana continues to whisk eggs. She makes a beautiful and delicious breakfast, even though all she does is whisk eggs. She never cooks them, and she doesn’t make anything to go with them. Just whisk and eat. Mmmmmm….Christian is as floored by her prowess in the kitchen as he is with her prowess in bed.

They make awkward small talk about sex, and the contract. Christian mentions ‘oral’ and this is enough to make Ana do a spit take. Tea everywhere. Lord, she’s got some delicate sensibilities. He doesn’t even use the word sex.

Ana asks permission to blab to Kate about the sex, even though she just signed the NDA yesterday. Now that she’s had sex, she wants to talk about it. Christian doesn’t give an outright now, but he reminds us that Kate is screwing Elliot, and for the love of God Elliot must NEVER KNOW that Christian is, you know, doing it.

In fact, none of his family can know that he is…you know

youknow

And on that pathological note, Christian leads Ana off to have a bath. A sexy bath…

Now I want to reiterate that the bath is full. The bath is full. Fully full. This is important later.

In one paragraph, Christian tells us how impressed he is that Ana is so brazen and unafraid standing naked in his bathroom. On the very next page he tells Ana to hold her head high because she ‘has nothing to be ashamed of.” Holy mind games Batman!

Sexy-time-bath goes on for a long time. Christian gets a cloth and lathers it with a ton of soap and then really goes to town on Ana’s vagina with nary a thought to the raging yeast infection she is about to have. I mean, he really gets in there and scrubs the fuck outta that thing. He senses that Ana is nearing orgasm and so, natch, he stops scrubbing.

It’s time for that oral that they talked about earlier! Christian grabs his cock and Ana gobbles it up. Now keep in mind he is still laying in a full tub. He’s not kneeling, he’s not standing. Unless he’s doing some kind of crazy yoga pose, his cock in under the water.

And yet, unfortunately, Ana doesn’t drown. In fact, she gives the best blowjob ever. EVAR!1 With no experience. She’s magic! Maybe her braids give her skills upgrades and not just defensive powers?

They head back to the bedroom for round 2. This is the scene where they whip out THE TIE. The sexy tie. Ana, in her book, lovingly describes it. Christian just ties her up with it.

All through the sex, Christian nags Ana to keep still, because moving around is way gross. Only weirdoes move around. Yuck. He also tells Ana that he doesn’t usually reciprocate oral, but he’s making an exception since she’s been so good. Sweet. Sounds like a winning relationship.

Winner

They finish just in time for Christian’s mom to show up. She is embarrassed but super happy to see Christian with a woman because it means he isn’t gay. And being gay is the worst possible thing for a man to be in 50Shadesland.

Think about that for a minute.

With the mood officially ruined by mom, Christian decides to take Ana out for lunch and then home. Christian gives Ana the contract to look over, and tells her to google everything and not ask Kate for God’s sake. Ana whines and bugs until he changes his mind.

Fine. She can tell Kate.

There’s an awkward moment where Ana blurts out that she can’t google sweet fuck all because she doesn’t have a computer. After briefly wondering what century she warped in from, Christian makes some calls and has one sent to her house.

They go to a fancy restaurant where you have to eat whatever they serve you. Hope you aren’t allergic Ana! Over lunch they make even more awkward small talk until I want to stab my eyes out. They rehash the ‘gay issue’ and honestly, I wish they’d fucking drop it. They make a huge scandalous deal out of it. Just stop. Fucking Just Stop.

eyeballs

Eventually Christian drops Ana off at home. As soon as she gets out of the car she drops her drawers and shows him that she stole his underwear. You found a keeper Christian. So yeah.

Back at home, Christian does some busywork and then sends Ana an email. The emailnado starts now. Be prepared.

Emails are coming.

braceyouself

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Chapter 17 of 50 Shades aka Anastasia Steele and the No Sex At All

Remember back in chapter 16 when I assured you (and myself) that we could finally dive into the creamy centre of all that steamy kinky sex, now that the contract was finalised? Well, I was wrong. There is no sex is this chapter. At all. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

The chapter begins with Ana dreaming that she is a moth flying into flames. I see what you did there. Subtle. Ana didn’t know she could dream sex, well I didn’t know you could dream clichés.

Ana wakes to find that Christian is still there. She is mildly surprised. Christian wakes up and is also surprised when he finds that he is in bed with Ana. Ok guys, did you figure the bed fairy was going to float you back to your separate beds while you slept?

 

Did I just ruin Fairly Odd Parents for you? I just ruined it for me?

Apparently they did expect a visit from the alarm clock fairy, because Christian looks at the time and realises he’s late for an 8 am meeting. I call bullshit. Seriously. We are supposed to believe that he’s a billionaire who can fly his own helicopter, but he can’t set an alarm on his cell phone? It’s pretty self-explanatory. Even I know how to do it.

Christian rushes off to work, promising to email her a time for the signing of the official contract, and then we launch into another gripping, sexy round of (you guessed it) email – twenty in all. Twenty. Twenty long, rambling, boring emails.

Ana tells Christian that she enjoyed the sex and spanking, but it made her feel bad about herself. He tells her she needs to get over herself, that she’s an adult, and that she could have used one of the safe words, or just left. Yes. Yes she could. But then she couldn’t be all overdramatic and feel sorry for herself.

Ana then goes to work – it’s her last day! I don’t care! And neither does anyone else! Christian, like the creepy-creeper-who-creeps that he is, has a blackberry delivered to her at work. So he can always contact her everywhere she goes. And so he can track her movements – something he has already admitted to doing with her old phone. Ooooh baby, are you as turned on as I am? I.e. not at all? I thought so.

 

So, of course, Ana hates the Blackberry. She hates every gift Christian gives her. She uses it to call him a stalker and suggest he get some therapy (ever notice how the word ‘therapist’ breaks down into ‘the rapist’? You will now). Or, you know, thank you, as we sometimes say. Don’t they make a great couple?  She wants to be an overdramatic bitch and he wants to beat somebody: it’s a match made in Heaven. Or wherever broken weirdo matches are made. Hell? Albany? I don’t know.

Then Ana goes home, and lords her new car over her roommate, Kate. The same car she was furious at Christian for buying. And that she initially refused to accept. Kate and Ana have Chinese take-out with Jose, and then Kate’s boyfriend shows up. Ana and Jose excuse themselves and head out to the local bar to give Kate and her boyfriend some alone time. When they get back Ana checks her phone to find five missed calls and a voicemail from Christian.

She returns his call and they get into a game of you-hang-up-first. Seriously. Literally. They say those words to each other. I don’t think E. L. James knows Americans as well as she thinks she does.

Then we travel forward in time (thankfully) to miss Kate and Ana moving into their new apartment. We find them settled in and ready to relax. A delivery boy shows up, and of course it’s from Christian, who is now sending a bottle of champagne and a helicopter balloon. Ana gets a huge rush out of explaining to Kate that Christian has a helicopter, and flies it himself. I’m just gonna be totally frank here: Ana is just a bad person. She is so unlikeable, I find myself hoping she’ll choke to death on the champagne.

Finally, mercifully, it’s Sunday, big bad contract signing day. Ana meets Christian at his penthouse (in those millions of emails he did specify a time). Christian reminds Ana he has hired a doctor to examine her and provide some birth control. Wow. That is soooo not creepy. At all. It’s even not-creepier that he tells her he’d pay good money to watch her examination, but he doesn’t think that’s appropriate. Luckily we are spared the filthy, sexy gyno appointment because that’s where chapter 17 ends.

You tell ’em Zoidberg. So its onward and upward to Chapter 18, and one sincerely hopes, some of the sexy, sexy sex that these books are so famous for. But I doubt it.

Chapter 16 of 50 Shades of Grey takes it to 11 on the Facepalmeter

Oh my god it sucks it sucks it sucks! I’ve had a lot of trouble with this chapter because it sucks so badly that it isn’t even funny anymore. It’s like a giant sucking bog of suckiosity.

So, the contract has been finalised. Now we can get down to all the hot sexy, sex. Right? Right?!

Sigh.

Wrong.

Chapter 16 opens with our crappy couple having just had sex. Christian gets up to leave and tells Ana that he’ll have the revised contract ready for signing on Sunday. Since he’s having normal sex with her until she signs the thing, Ana realises that she can string Christian along if she just doesn’t sign.

Ana proceeds to say this out loud. Christian tells her that he won’t be able to control himself, and in fact will kidnap her and hold her hostage until she signs. Kinda negates the consent, wouldntcha say? But sweet, sweet, special Ana thinks this is sooper hawt! He then threatens TPE 24/7. Ana responds with this bit if sexy dialogue:

“’You’ve lost me,” I breathe, my heart pounding…’”

I think Ana suffers from Sexlexia. It’s a tragic affliction.

Dangit! My link’s broken. Grrrr….

He explains what that means and then Ana rolls her eyes at Christian, and all Aitch-Eee-Double-Hockey-Sticks breaks loose. Way back in the last chapter (which I’ve tried my level best to forget aided by intense therapy and large amounts of alcohol) Christian promised Ana that he would punish her if she rolled her eyes at him again. So, good to his word he proceeds to spank her soundly and send her to bed. Sexy, sexy bed. Apparently the signing is just a formality after all.

It’s as bad as it sounds. It really is. He hits her eighteen times. Eighteen. Then they have sex. Ana calls it demeaning, and sexy, and hot. Yes. Because demeaning and hot are so easy to mix up. She’s a bear of very little brain, you see.

Still, she’s not very happy about the whole situation, but she isn’t quite sure why. She literally thinks, “I don’t understand.” Sensing a theme here?  Because I am. She then proceeds to call herself a whore inside her own head. Because what kind of girl would she be if she had kinky, kinky sex, and just enjoyed it for its own sake? A whore apparently. It’s like E. L. James thinks that being dumb and confused and unwilling makes her a better grade of woman than the ones Christian has been screwing up until now. It doesn’t. It makes her a chump. A chump who’s having sex with a man who she really wishes was somebody else.

She sees him out, and then calls her mother to whine. Ana gives her mother a made-up sob story, so she can still feel sorry for her, but break the NDA. Ana’s mom invites her to come home for a visit to get some space and think about it.

Then Kate gets home. Ana promptly lies about hurting herself – the sign of a healthy relationship I’m sure. Kate is furious (like a normal person) that Ana is so upset. For about ten seconds. Until Ana distracts Kate by asking how her night went. E. L. James’ world is, apparently, filled with objectionable, self-centred jerks.

Ana excuses herself to her room, and then we’re off again for another rousing round of email! They argue over selling Ana’s old car, and Christian threatens to beat her again. He tells Ana, “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

Ooooooooh! I get it! He’s the Incredible Hulk! It all makes so much sense now. Hulk mad! Hulk fuck pretty girl!

She then tells Christian she doesn’t like him, because he keeps leaving after the sex. She closes her computer and has a good cry. Then to make things even better Christian shows up and yells at Kate before barging into Ana’s room. He’s mad because she said she was OK, and she obviously isn’t. For no reason that he can figure out. We’ve got a couple of Einsteins here, eh?

Long, boring story short, he stays the night even though he has vowed never to do this. See? Crazy, ditzy, unwilling sex girl wins the man, where willing, consensual partner couldn’t. It’s the feel creepy story of the year!

This chapter really takes it to 11 on the facepalmeter. Will they finally make with the binding and the whipping in the next chapter? Or will we be treated to another score of pages filled with email and tears? I wish I didn’t have to find out.

Chapter 11 of Fifty Shades is Full of Hot, Sexy Contractual Action

No, not really. You should know better by now.

Sooooo. Chapter 11. Yeah…

Chapter 11 is the goddamn contract. Because you know what makes gripping, unputdownable reading? Contracts. I can’t tell you how many blissful hours I’ve spent reading contracts in all their rich pageantry. Oh wait, yes I can. Zero.

There’s a reason no one ever reads contracts, even when it is in their best interest to do so. Because contracts are boring. You can’t even sex up a contract with, well, sex. What can I say about the contract that isn’t dead boring?

Not much.

Despite being in full-on scaldingly boring legalese, the contract doesn’t SAY much of anything. No one is contracting FOR anything. When you make a contract, each party gets something. For instance if you and I contract to sell my house: I get money, and you get my house. Money. House. Exchanged. See? Here nothing is exchanged. Sex for sex? That’s like having a contract that says “I’ll hand you 20 bucks and then you hand it back.”

Which is basically what happens here. Its an agreement, and a set of guidelines, it’s a laundry list of BDSM dos and don’ts, but that’s not so much a contract. Ana, “the Submissive” agrees to submit to a whippings, canings, sexual servicing. Christian, “the Dominant” agrees to dominate in various ways using the aforementioned whips, canes, and sex. It even includes appendices (!) outlining required sleep, permissible food, and required exercise.  Zzzzzzz…

I just have to say: it must take special talent to make BDSM seem so freaking boring.

(The only thing really interesting is this: Ana agrees to be the property of Christian for the duration of this little picnic in the woods. But guess what? You can’t agree to that. You can’t own a human being. Nice try though).

Ana’s poor little brain is completely overloaded by all this. Although I expect contemplating the menu at McDonald’s would be similarly short-circuiting for her. If she was an android, her head would start to smoke right about now. You might want to back away. Just in case.

Then we’re back in to the searing hot sexy action as Christian sends Ana a laptop. Because, I may not have mentioned this before, but Ana does not have a computer. And then Ana uses it to email Christian long, torrid, sexy emails. Ha! Not really. They send curt, and frankly boring emails, which I’m assuming are meant to be playful.

Then, for no apparent reason, Ana is all buddy-buddy with Jose again. So much so that he doesn’t even believe it. They go for lunch, and walk arm in arm. Run Jose! Run for the hills. The crazy is strong in this one. Though I guess we can’t expect Ana to remember everything that happens to her? There’s only so much room in her little, cobwebby brain.

She goes back home, and exchanges more dull email with Mr. Grey. Christian finally insists that she google BDSM. Sometime later she’s confused and scared and horny. And she’s not really sure why. She “needs time to think.” No honey, you need a brain to think.

And that’s Chapter 11. The whole damn thing.