Tuesday, May 24, 2011 – Christian Grey and the Not Getting it at All

You know what’s not funny?

This book.

I’m just saying.

Once again, we get to watch as Christian pretends to work. He does business things with business reports and computers while he waits around for Ana to email him. He considers the merits of building his new business factory in Detroit. It’ll have tax incentives!

At 2 minutes after 12 Ana finally emails and Christian is peeved that Ana is still awake. Despite the fact that he was up specifically waiting for her to email.  She is 22 FFS, but he doesn’t feel it is appropriate for her to be up this late.

Ana sends him an itemised list of all the issues she takes with his sexy sex contract. And there are lots of them! Christian is pleasantly surprised to see that Ana has actually read the thing seeing as how she signed the NDA without having read even one word.

Christian pulls up his copy of the contract so he can cross reference Ana’s comments to the actual paragraphs and sections. The actual contract is long and boring, but the main thing to take away here is that there is not one clause in this contract that Ana responds to by saying, “Yes, please! More of that.” She is either grudgingly willing to accept them for the sake of getting with Christian or she is opposed to them entirely.

And Christian is like, Hmmmm…okay. I can work with this.

No. No you can’t. There is nothing about this contract that she wants a part of. You should both just walk away. But of course they don’t because the whole point of this book is that Ana shows him exactly what’s wrong with his deviant dysfunctional lifestyle and heals his inner hurts. Because only a broken weirdo could actually like any of these things.

Ana asks him to clarify where they are meeting and when. Christian is just relieved that Ana has not called off the negotiation meeting. But really what is there to talk about? She doesn’t want to DO any of the things.

She doesn’t want to get tested for drugs or STDs. In fact, she seems to think that Christian should just take her word for it. She refuses the 3 month trial period; she refuses to commit to every weekend. She doesn’t want to be disciplined in any way or for any reason. She won’t agree not to touch him, she won’t agree to eat or sleep on his schedule, and she won’t wear clothes that he buys her except when they are together. She refuses to follow any of the capital ‘R’ Rules set out in Appendix 1. She isn’t interested in any of the props or toys, and doesn’t even know what some of the terms mean, despite having just said she looked everything up on the internet.

Christian says,

Her response is a relief.

There’s hope for our relationship

Is there? Is there?!


Christian orders Ana to bed, because somehow he thinks that’s OK, and then he continues emailing her to try and catch her out in case she hasn’t listened. He then has a second look over her ‘issues’ and then emails her the dictionary definition of ‘submissive.’ Clearly she isn’t getting it.

Well, duh-doy.

She’s dumb. But Christian is supposed to be smart. And yet he acts impressed that Ana has problems with the terms. He even remarks that no one has ever bothered to negotiate with him about the contract. It’s kinda hawt. But really, why would they? That’s the arrangement they were looking for. It’s entirely possible that they were up for all the things in the contract. Enthusiastic for them even.

As they should be.

It’s kinda gross. The book, I mean, not the enthusiasm. Christian wants a sub, but he is willing to use romancy flowery sex to get it. Ana wants romance, and is willing to trade bdsm to get it. Why don’t they just pursue people who are into the same things?! I know it sounds crazy.

Christian finally goes to bed. He dreams about beating up Elliot as a young child. Somehow, Christian is still the victim in this scenario.

The next morning (or later that same morning really)  we follow Christian through a business meeting about “the prototype.” They study the schematics and praise each other for the amount of good this latest gewgaw will do in the developing world. Then we narrowly escape a meeting with the president of WSU. Thank God.

Christian’s mom calls and asks pointedly about Ana. Then Elliot calls and also asks pointedly about Ana. Christian blows them both off. He actually hangs up on Elliot. Gripping, unpputdownable shit!


Ana finally replies to Christian’s email re: the definition of submissive. She sends him the dictionary definition of ‘compromise’. See? I really don’t think these two get it. They are talking past each other. Ana wants no part of being a submissive, and Christian wants her to want, well…the opposite of that. And yet they both act like this whole thing is still ON.

Then they argue over whether Ana will drive herself to the meeting or Christian will have her picked up. It’s boring. Be Glad you didn’t read it. After a grueling exchange of emails, Ana signs off with a kiss.

Christian is over the moon! Cynical, romance-hating Christian is over the moon! His heart has already grown at least a half a size.

Ana sent him a kiss!


Christian, Anastasia and the Two Things That Actually Happen: Ch. 16 of 50 Shades Freed

Something happens in chapter 16! Fucking finally something happens. Two somethings even! I need to sit down; I think I’m overstimulated here.


At the end of the last chapter Leila showed up to see Ana, and I mistook her for Elena AKA Mrs. Robinson AKA evil ex #1. It turns out that it wasn’t the child molesting hair stylist and former dom in the lobby of Ana’s company, but rather Ghost Girl, the gun-toting cracked out former submissive, or evil ex #2.

Oh well, potayto potahto.


Ugh. Lets call the whole thing off.

But wait! Leila is not here alone to see Ana, she has brought a friend, Evil Ex #3, also known as Susi. Ana’s assistant announces that they are in the lobby, and also that Prescott the hated/beloved security woman wants to see Ana right now.

And our protagonist, Mrs. Wile E. Coyote super genius, has Prescott forcibly eject them from the building right? Remember, this is a woman who tried to kill Ana. So of course Ana doesn’t want to meet with her alone in a small room. Right?


So, so wrong.

Ana has her assistant escort them right the fuck in. At least she agrees to let Prescott pat them down for weapons first. She spins it as ‘granting a concession’ to Prescott. Man, our dear sweet heroine has NO sense of self-preservation at all, does she? Clearly not, or she’d have noped the fuck out of Christian’s fucked up life two books ago.

Ana is pissed off to hear that Prescott has already called Christian to tell him the Ex-women have arrived. Ana realises that she has only a short time before Christian interferes with Ana’s plan of suicide by psychotic ex-sub, so she has to hurry and meet Leila while she has the chance.

Ana shoots off a quick email to Christian, even though she knows damn well how to text message, and tells Christian she is meeting Leila and that Christian shouldn’t worry because that is, like, totally safe.


Ana primps a bit and pinches her cheeks so they glow, because (a) it’s vital to look good when meeting an ex and totally not vain at all, and (b) only whores use rouge. Gawd! Who thinks that way?! Oh right, Ana.

So the meeting begins with everyone acting super polite. After introductions, Ana’s assistant interrupts to say that Christian is on the phone. Ana declines to talk to him even though Hannah tells her “he was quite insistent.” Ana who has nothing but sympathy for her assistant sends her off to face Christian’s wrath, and quite possibly a bullet to the back of the head.


The two exes marvel at how Ana has captured Christian’s heart and tell her they call themselves ‘the Sub Club.’ Well, it doesn’t have the ring of the League of Evil Exes, but it’s a start. Then, after having made Ana thoroughly uncomfortable, Susi excuses herself to wait in the lobby.

The meeting is interrupted again by Prescott’s cell phone ringing. Can you guess who it is? Ana can, and she’s pissed. “What the fuck are you playing at?” Christian screams at her. Ana tells him not to shout at her and that they will talk about this “later.”

Honestly, Ana has picked the wrong time to grow a spine. This is exactly the situation in which she ought to let Christian’s people take over and handle it. But Ana is too dumb to even eat cereal without water wings, because after Christian yells at her not to hang up on him, Ana hangs up on him.


Ana heads back to the meeting and Leila says she just wants to apologize, and also to ask Ana for permission to see Christian. It turns out Leila has come here against doctor’s orders to see Christian, but Christian for some unfathomable reason doesn’t want to see her. Go figure.

But, she insists, it is super important for her to say these things personally to Christian. Without Christian she would be rotting in prison, and couldn’t afford art school. Ana is briefly angry – she had suspected Christian was paying out money to Leila. Well, she suspected it for a minute, until she forgot, and it was never mentioned again.

Ana tries to prompt Leila to leave by suggesting that she is missing classes. Leila isn’t worried, and drops the fact that Christian already has several of her paintings in his penthouse. Ana racks her brain to figure out which ones, but predictably comes up with nothing. Her brain isn’t the greatest.

Leila goes on to explain juuuust how much she loves Christian, before revealing that she know he’ll show up here and is in fact just stalling for time with all the small talk. Ana marvels at how smart Leila is to have come up with such a masterful plan.

And then there is a commotion in the lobby and Christian bursts in just as predicted. He is furious and fires Prescott on the spot. Ana is horrified as she and Prescott are now besties.

Christian gets right to the point – “What the fuck are you doing here?” he asks.

Laughing her villain laugh and twirling her villain moustache, Leila reveals that Christian has fallen right into her evil clutches! She never wanted to see Ana at all! But she knew that if she showed up, then Christian would swoop in to save the day. Apparently she also knew that Ana was too stump-dumb to just have her kicked out. But nevertheless, here is Christian in person, just the way Leila wanted!


So her evil plan has come to fruition!

Her evil plan of thanking him in person for getting her mental health services and paying for an art degree to keep her hands busy and less, you know, shooty-shooty. So yeah. That was her plan. Thaaaat’s what we got all hyped up about.

Well, you’re welcome crazy bitch.

Christian tells her that if she ever shows up again he will cut off all her money for art school, her Doctor, and her medical insurance. This, to me, seems pretty dang fair. Ana is aghast, and internally pleads with Christian to stop bullying her. I guess he can read minds now?

Christian shoves Lela out the door with his ultimatum, and she agrees to leave. Ana is furious and tells Christian, “Don’t even think about being angry with me.” Welp he’s not only thought of it he has already achieved maximum fury. They fight about Ana defying him, and about him caring for Leila. And about the fact that Christian has told everyone but Ana that security has a list of people they aren’t to admit to see her.

That’s just fucking dumb. What did Ana think security was for if not to keep away the people who keep ineffectually trying to kill them? For shits and giggles?

Christian insists that Ana come the fuck home even though it is the middle of the day. Ana refuses, but then they play some head games and make some kissy-face and Ana changes her mind. Or “mind” rather.

They have magical sex, and we actually get to see it this time, although it’s just as implausible as we all remember. Afterwards, Ana forces Christian to admit that he still cares for Leila.

Then suddenly its 3 days later and we are hip deep in email.


Our crappy couple vaguely allude to all the naughty things they’ve been doing but which we never see. Then, Ana’s prolific emailery is interrupted by the phone.

She answers and it is José’s dad (who we have never met before) calling to tell Ana that her stepfather Ray has been in an accident and Ana needs to get there right away. So that’s like, two whole things in one chapter! Two things happened. Two! That’s pretty good considering our recent track record of zero things happening per chapter.

And we’re guaranteed at least one thing next chapter as we have to see whether Ray makes it or not. And if it has anything to do with The Sub Club or Jack, the Half-Assed Avenger. So that’ll be interesting. No, not interesting. I meant boring.

It’ll be boring.