May 22, 2011: Christian, Ana and the Bathtub of Raging Yeast Infections

Christian wakes up at 3 am feeling like he’s “committed a terrible sin.” Yes. The sin of having consensual sex with an adult woman. Nice attitude. Christian is surprised that having instant access to a sleeping woman is actually pleasant. But the ‘yer a sinner’ part of his mind pipes up and he has a weird Gollum-from-LotR conversation with himself. Eventually his cock casts the tie-breaking vote, by telling him that, yes, this is a good thing.

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Christian climbs out of bed and collects all the gross used condoms that he dropped unceremoniously on the floor when they had sex. For a rich guy, he sure is a gross pig. I mean, it’s good that he picked them up eventually but Gawd was it so hard to chuck them in the trash. It’s right there!

Since he’s too horny to sleep, he goes to check his work email, and then to play piano. It wakes up Ana and Christian puts her back to bed, but not before having a flashback to Leila (the sub who later tries to shoot Ana) telling him that he seems ‘melancholy.’

Ana tries to talk to him about his piano playing but he shuts her down by acting like an asshole about it. He snaps at her twice in a row, the second time because she isn’t lying down in bed the way he ordered her to. When Ana looks upset and hurt, he is taken aback. Maybe being a total asshat *isn’t* such a great idea.

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He offers to lay back down with Ana as long as she doesn’t touch him. It still causes him to flash back to his mother. He remembers her making waffles and bacon. Okay, his mom was a crack whore…do crack whores cook? Are they known for their fine cooking? I’m skeptical, that’s all I’m saying.

Then suddenly its 9 am, which Christian calls ‘late.’ Dude, 9 am is early. Ana is awake and cooking breakfast in the kitchen. Christian goes to the kitchen and muses that Ana is the most uncoordinated person he’s ever seen, but that somehow that is super hawt. It’s funny, she is so uncoordinated, but she fucks like a greased ballerina. Nice character consistency is all I’m saying. They never have a slip up, or a weird sound, and nobody gets poked in the eye with anything. It would go so far toward establishing, and humanising Ana as a character if they did.

Ana has her hair in two little braids, and Christian remarks that the braids aren’t going to protect her. What. The. Hell. Does other people’s hair have defensive qualities? Because mine sure doesn’t. Or does it?

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So…breakfast. Christian gets out orange juice, and coffee, and Twinnings Brand Tea Bags ™ while Ana continues to whisk eggs. She makes a beautiful and delicious breakfast, even though all she does is whisk eggs. She never cooks them, and she doesn’t make anything to go with them. Just whisk and eat. Mmmmmm….Christian is as floored by her prowess in the kitchen as he is with her prowess in bed.

They make awkward small talk about sex, and the contract. Christian mentions ‘oral’ and this is enough to make Ana do a spit take. Tea everywhere. Lord, she’s got some delicate sensibilities. He doesn’t even use the word sex.

Ana asks permission to blab to Kate about the sex, even though she just signed the NDA yesterday. Now that she’s had sex, she wants to talk about it. Christian doesn’t give an outright now, but he reminds us that Kate is screwing Elliot, and for the love of God Elliot must NEVER KNOW that Christian is, you know, doing it.

In fact, none of his family can know that he is…you know

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And on that pathological note, Christian leads Ana off to have a bath. A sexy bath…

Now I want to reiterate that the bath is full. The bath is full. Fully full. This is important later.

In one paragraph, Christian tells us how impressed he is that Ana is so brazen and unafraid standing naked in his bathroom. On the very next page he tells Ana to hold her head high because she ‘has nothing to be ashamed of.” Holy mind games Batman!

Sexy-time-bath goes on for a long time. Christian gets a cloth and lathers it with a ton of soap and then really goes to town on Ana’s vagina with nary a thought to the raging yeast infection she is about to have. I mean, he really gets in there and scrubs the fuck outta that thing. He senses that Ana is nearing orgasm and so, natch, he stops scrubbing.

It’s time for that oral that they talked about earlier! Christian grabs his cock and Ana gobbles it up. Now keep in mind he is still laying in a full tub. He’s not kneeling, he’s not standing. Unless he’s doing some kind of crazy yoga pose, his cock in under the water.

And yet, unfortunately, Ana doesn’t drown. In fact, she gives the best blowjob ever. EVAR!1 With no experience. She’s magic! Maybe her braids give her skills upgrades and not just defensive powers?

They head back to the bedroom for round 2. This is the scene where they whip out THE TIE. The sexy tie. Ana, in her book, lovingly describes it. Christian just ties her up with it.

All through the sex, Christian nags Ana to keep still, because moving around is way gross. Only weirdoes move around. Yuck. He also tells Ana that he doesn’t usually reciprocate oral, but he’s making an exception since she’s been so good. Sweet. Sounds like a winning relationship.

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They finish just in time for Christian’s mom to show up. She is embarrassed but super happy to see Christian with a woman because it means he isn’t gay. And being gay is the worst possible thing for a man to be in 50Shadesland.

Think about that for a minute.

With the mood officially ruined by mom, Christian decides to take Ana out for lunch and then home. Christian gives Ana the contract to look over, and tells her to google everything and not ask Kate for God’s sake. Ana whines and bugs until he changes his mind.

Fine. She can tell Kate.

There’s an awkward moment where Ana blurts out that she can’t google sweet fuck all because she doesn’t have a computer. After briefly wondering what century she warped in from, Christian makes some calls and has one sent to her house.

They go to a fancy restaurant where you have to eat whatever they serve you. Hope you aren’t allergic Ana! Over lunch they make even more awkward small talk until I want to stab my eyes out. They rehash the ‘gay issue’ and honestly, I wish they’d fucking drop it. They make a huge scandalous deal out of it. Just stop. Fucking Just Stop.

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Eventually Christian drops Ana off at home. As soon as she gets out of the car she drops her drawers and shows him that she stole his underwear. You found a keeper Christian. So yeah.

Back at home, Christian does some busywork and then sends Ana an email. The emailnado starts now. Be prepared.

Emails are coming.

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