For anyone who may be interested I’m currently reading Felicia Day’s book, You’re Never Weird on the Internet, Almost and loving it very much. Ms. Day is just impossible not to adore. Smart, funny, humble, weird: she’s all the best things.
I’m just saying. You won’t want to stab your eyes out and set them on fire after reading it.
Which is more than I can say about…you know…this book.
So in every single chapter we watch Christian emo-it-up as he tries to go to sleep. And then every single chapter he goes for a run the next morning. That’s how every single chapter starts. So. I’m not going to mention those two things anymore because they are boring.
It’s Monday now and he does the two things. Does that count as a mention? Nah, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.
Then Christian is back in front of his laptop, ostensibly to do work, because being filthy rich is a lot like being a daylight-fearing basement dweller, but we all know that Christian is really waiting for Ana to email him back on the computer he has given her. It’s 7:45 am (the day is half over!) and Christian is on tenterhooks because Ana has still not written him back.
Christian decides to kill time by writing to Elena. He apologises for being unavailable, but is reluctant to mention Ana, so he talks beauty salon business instead. Fucking gripping. It’s like Paint Dry: The Dryening. Holy shit I don’t care.
Then finally Ana writes back. She gets Christian all hot and bothered by calling him ‘Sir.’ Ana also mentions that she considers the computer a loan and not a gift because accepting gifts makes her feel like a hoo-er. It makes Christian think fondly of Leila who had such poor self-esteem that she felt unworthy of any of his gifts.
Oddly, Christian can’t see that these are two totally different sentiments. He tops off the obliviousness sundae by reflecting on how great it is that Leila has moved on and is now happily married and not a crazy, gun toting stalker AT ALL.
Both of our protags finally get down to work for the day, Ana at the hardware store and Christian via the interwebz. We get a page of Christian’s business day with the teleconferencing and the ordering of the servants.
Finally it’s not just 5 pm somewhere; it’s actually 5 pm right here, where Christian and Ana are. Awesome! Christian shoots off a quick email to Ana to ask about her day and then changes for another run. Another one! Oh well Ana responds to his email too quickly and he never makes it out the door.
Christian tells Ana to get researching BDSM and Ana pretends she doesn’t know what a search engine is, or how to use it. Or maybe she’s not pretending. It isn’t clear.
They play a long game of “You hang up!” “No you hang up.” via email and it is juuuuust as tedious as it sounds. Christian finally goes for his run and we rejoin him just in time for him to tell us about the Richie Rich food and wine he has just consumed.
Ana emails him to say she is shocked and appalled and, “it was nice knowing you.”
Christian is furious, and confused and hurt that Ana has refused his offer. Without an explanation! He decides that she OWES him an explanation so he storms down to her apartment to get one. He is also terribly terribly upset that Ana thought it was appropriate to call him ‘nice.”
So here’s where the chapter gets gross and kinda rapey.
Christian grabs condoms and wine and the sexy tie of sexual sex and heads off to give Ana a piece of his…well…you know. When he gets to Ana’s apartment, Kate answers the door. Christian pours on the fake charm and makes like he has simply come to pay Ana a romantic surprise visit.
He creeps into Ana’s room and surprises her with her headphones on. He demands to know just exactly what Ana meant by saying it was ‘nice’ to know him. Yes, clearly it has not been nice at all. In fact, it’s been pretty gross.
Ana doesn’t really know how to respond.
Into the shocked silence Christian announces, “Well, I thought I should come and remind you how nice it was knowing me.”
It’s supposed to be sexy and aggressive, but it comes off gross and sneery, with more than a hint of ‘how dare you defy me.’ This, by the way is totally in character.
Christian ties Ana up, strips off her pants, and rolls her t-shirt up over her face. Then he gets undressed and heads out to the kitchen for a drink. He sneers at Kate for being some kind of prude, and insists that she pour drinks for him and Ana, as if she were some sort of butler.
Kate mentions that she and Ana will soon be moving house and will need some help. Christian blows her off.
Fuck off, Kavanaugh, he thinks to himself. No way am I going to help.
Nice guy. Seriously, why is this guy still single?
Christian heads back to the bedroom and drinks his wine, taking the time to spit some in Ana’s mouth and some in her belly button. Mmmm…sexay. They do eventually have sex, all the while Christian exclaiming things like,
“How nice is this?”
“How nice was that?”
It just comes off weird, and not sexy at all. In fact, it turns out that Ana was just joking in her email, and Christian didn’t even need to storm over for an emergency nice-ectomy. Ana does have some questions however, and they all revolve around Elena. What did they do together? And why do they still talk?
This of all things, this makes Ana angry. So angry that she kicks Christian out of her apartment. Christian is all fine, I was just leaving anyway. Sure buddy whatever you say. Before he leaves Christian sets another date/not-date-at-all for Wednesday.
Back at home, he emails Ana one last time saying that he looks forward to the contract negotiations. And that’s Monday down the toilet.