Thursday, May 26, 2011: High Quality, Uncut Nope

I have no desire to summarise this chapter at all: it’s full of high quality uncut nope. It starts as Christian wakes up from one of his many nightmares where he is left alone by his mother and has to eat mouldy cheese.

I hate my dreams, Christian informs us, just in case we were morons and didn’t understand THE POINT.

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He checks frantically for email from Ana but she hasn’t sent one. He goes for a run, but still no email. He sends her some frantic texts. He has breakfast: no email. He’s freaking the fuck out.

Never mind that he’ll see her in just a couple of hours at her graduation ceremony (he’s the guest speaker) he is convinced that she is dead. DEAD. Okay, she went home, slept, and then had to get ready for graduation. She’s probably a little bit busy. But since Christian can’t think farther than his own dick, he just doesn’t get what is happening.

By the time 9:30 am rolls around he is angry, decides Ana is just being rude and starts calling her. No answer. He checks his email again, but only has email from his irritating sister, who he has agreed to pick up at the airport next Sunday. He calls Ana again.

Still no fucking answer!

Christian is furious now. He puts on the tie, the sexy tie. He is going to send a message to Ana. A sexy message.

We cut ahead to the graduation ceremony, the sexy graduation ceremony, where Christian runs into Kate with whom he has the standard cold reaction. He hates Kate. Hates her. For no real reason either. He pumps Kate for information about Ana, and it turns out she’s not dead after all! Thank God.

However, this just makes Christian angrier. I mean, if she was dead at least that would be a sort of excuse for not responding to his copious emails, texts and voice mails.

I just want to stop right here and point out that it has been less than 12 hours since they parted for the night. And Christian has already gone full batshit.

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He gives a drawn out speech about eradicating hunger and arable technology. It’s super boring and almost entirely content-free. Afterwards Christian sulks his way through handing out the degrees so he can finally confront Ana during her big moment. No one, BUT NO ONE has moments except Christian.

Christian holds up the line, and the S through Z graduates jostle each other impatiently while Christian demands to know why Ana didn’t answer him sooner. Ana gives him a non-answer and eventually he has to let her go, since everyone else is waiting. He informs her that they are going to continue this conversation later.

After the ceremony Christian tracks Ana down and locks her into a locker room with him. Then he demands to know why she hasn’t answered him. She tells him she hasn’t checked her phone or computer, what with her graduation being today. He’s still mad, but now he pretends to be mad about her car. He starts screaming about how unsafe it is. Just like any non-crazy, concerned boyfriend might do.

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Christian finally lets Ana out when she mentions that her stepdad will be looking for her. But he lets her out on the condition that she sign the contract or not by tomorrow. No more thinking about it. Thinking is hard! And not sexy.

Later at the reception, Christian charms Ana’s stepdad with talk of fishing. For a whole page. We get to hear about fishing for an entire gripping page. It’s interesting to note that Ana’s own mom couldn’t be bothered to show up for her graduation.

When Ray heads up the yellow brick road to take the whiz, Christian and Ana play a little grabass. Christian wheedles some more to convince Ana into the relationship he wants. Ana tells him she wants “more.” Christian refuses. No romance, no boyfriendy stuff, no hearts and flowers. But Ana doesn’t know if she wants that kind of relationship.

“You don’t know much.”

That’s Christian’s response.

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But I guess it works because Ana reluctantly agrees. Christian, having gotten his way, is suddenly all business again, and goes off to do all the obligatory handshaking and socialising required by occasion. They agree to meet that very night to seal the deal.

Once on his own Christian despairs that every sub he ever had falls in love with him and wants to set up household in his life. It’s sooooo tiresome. But Ana is different. She’s such a pure, good Madonna-esque figure that Christian just might consider being a nicer person just for the privilege of basking in her light.

Ana emails and they agree to meet that very evening to discuss matters. Christian zooms over with booze and condoms in case he ‘gets lucky.’ Ana is surprised that champagne can be pink, and gives Christian the hairy eye.

She knows I’m plying her with alcohol.

Yup. It’s nice that he can at least admit it.

They make small talk during which Christian lies about being too busy to help Ana move on Sunday. He would totally help, but he’s just got this thing to attend to…it’s super important.

So they get wasted and talk terms. Christian threatens to spank Ana. Ana vetoes nearly everything in the contract but Christian only allows her to make fisting a hard limit. Every time Ana says she doesn’t want to do whatever thing it is – anal sex, bondage, being gagged – he assures her that she really does want to do those things but she just needs to work up to it. It’s a good thing Christian knows what Ana wants because Ana sure as hell doesn’t seem to know.

All this sexy talk gets Christian all turned on, and he tells her to hurry it up so they can screw. Ana is reluctant but Christian dangles the possibility of “more” in front of her like a carrot to urge her on. If she agrees to be his unwilling sub for several days a week, then he will be her unwilling boyfriend perhaps one night a week.

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Before they have sex Christian takes Ana outside and gives her a new car. She’s furious and demands he return it. Christian explicitly tells her that if she wants him as a pretend boyfriend one day a week, then this is the price. They both head to the bedroom angry.

Then they have sexy sexy sex, which is kind of gross but whatever. Ana is a little afraid of Christian, and Christian is, I don’t know, just plain nuts. Christian’s first act as a Dom is to let Ana do whatever she wants, and take control of the situation. Is…is that…usual? I don’t even know.

Christian then spends some time crowing about how all Ana’s orgasms belong to him. That’s the wording he uses. Ana shamefully admits that she had an orgasm in her sleep. She is afraid that Christian will be angry at her. For something she has zero control over.

Christian gets up to leave because sexy time is over. Ana threatens to string him along by not officially signing the contract. Christian threatens to kidnap her and keep her as a sex slave. Because he’s filthy rich and who is going to stop him?

Christian is mad and turned on now, and uses a flimsy pretext to spank Ana and have sex again. He mentions how mad he is that she asked (waaaay back in chapter one) if he was gay. He’s going to beat her for that. Like any sensible person would. Obviously.

How gross is that? Who thinks that sentiment is okay?

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Then they have sex and all appears to be well as far as Christian can tell. He goes home and they immediately start the email train back up. Choo! Choo! Suddenly Ana gets sullen and tells Christian that she doesn’t like him anymore.

And that’s how we end the chapter.

Chapter 15 of Fifty Shades of Grey is More Boring Than it Ought to Be

what males think about 50 shades of grey

I feel your pain Gaston, I feel your pain.

Chapter 15 of Fifty Shades of Grey should be good, but it isn’t. Ana and Christian get together to negotiate the terms of the BDSM agreement. So here I am expecting lots of heated discussion about limits and safe words and just exactly what all this bondage stuff might involve. But what I get is chapter 15. Back in chapter 14, Ana agreed to the contract (subject to negotiations of course) in the middle of her graduation reception. Now, in chapter 15 Ana is ‘unbearably shy’ when Christian shows up at her house to “finalise the contract”.

Right out of the starting gate they engage in some very British innuendo that I actually had to look up, even though I’ve seen and read quite a lot of British cultural products. Christian shows up with champagne, and says, “Nothing beats a good Bollinger.”

Dictionarydb.com defines it thusly:

“n., a noticeable bulge in the front of a man’s pants, comprised of the p*nis, testicles, or both, that causes onlookers of both s*xes extreme discomfort, especially in a public setting.”

Here’s a pro tip: jokes aren’t funny if your target audience has to Google them.

Way back in chapter I-can’t-be-bothered-to-look-it-up Christian bought Ana some super expensive first edition books. Ana decides now is the time for her to tell Christian that they make her feel like a high class prostitute. Which she is. But she doesn’t want to feel that way. Cue eye rolling…now. Christian then chides Ana for thinking too much. She barely thinks at all! Obviously. Or she wouldn’t be here.

Also, for his own crazy reasons Christian insists on knowing what Ana eats. She tells him she had a three course meal before he arrived, and then she rolls her eyes. Christian grabs her chin, and threatens to spank her if she ever does that again. Ana thinks this is super hawt! Maybe it would be if you were the child of an absent dad and an emotionally distant mum who had a string of boyfriends, one of whom you had a weird attachment to even though he wasn’t really your father…oh wait. That’s this book sorted, then.

So, where were we? The contract negotiation. Christian feeds Ana champagne during the whole thing. Because that’s not creepy and manipulative at all. Bleh.

They finally start talking about the contract. Christian is totally willing to do anything in the list. His no-nos are already off limits and apparently not negotiable. No one mentions them. She says no fisting and he’s OK with that. She says no to anal intercourse, and he’s not OK. But then he tells her they’d have to work up to it anyway – that you can’t just have anal intercourse without working up to it. Guess what plebs? You can. You really, really can. So whatever.

Ana agrees to all the sex toys and the various types of bondage. She is drunk after all. They agree to forego suspension because Christian thinks they won’t have time for that anyway. Ana says no to genital clamps and Christian is OK with that too because, “it’s caning that hurts the most.” So as long as they keep the most painful stuff, he’s totally willing to throw her a bone.

Yeah, I just said that. You can’t stop me.

Some negotiation, eh? Ana ought to do this professionally. She could have that Middle East crisis solved in minutes. She’d just get drunk and agree to whatever the other side wanted. Awesome. Contract concluded.

Then Christian decides that they will discuss one more thing before they repair to the bedchamber for a thorough rogering. He announces that one night a week, they will play at being a normal couple. Ana is shocked and thrilled. And apparently totally believes it. She’s a little bit dumb. Have I mentioned that?

But! There’s a  condition. He’ll only play happy couples if Ana agrees to accept a new car. Ana is furious. For a minute. She suddenly remembers that he was only adopted into money, so he can’t possibly know how incredibly insulting this is. He means well, she thinks (if you can call it thinking), he just doesn’t know any better. Yeah baby. If that’s what it takes to get you through the night. Ana agrees to keep the car as a loaner. Not a gift. Because that’s soooo different.

Now it’s Christian’s turn to be furious. What a great couple! He threatens to rape her on the car for not accepting his gift properly. Sweet! Why is he still single? Apparently this is also sooper hawt and they repair to the bedroom for some surprisingly boring sex. I mean, a good time is had by all, but except for a little pinchy-pinchy there isn’t any of the BDSM that this book is supposed to be famous for.

I have to say I am more than a little bored with this crap. I was promised naughty, naughty sex,  and so far there has been zilch. Will chapter 16 be better? Now that they have got the contract sorted they can bring on the kink, right? Nothing but hot leather-clad, whips and chains action right? I’m sure I won’t be disappointed.